


Medicine

by FivePips



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - Music, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band, Boyband, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Music, Pining, Pining Sirius Black, Sirius was in a boyband, Touring, album making
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-05-27 23:21:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15035546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: Sirius Black is going solo after a five year run in a boyband. But he needs some help writing an album. Who better to help him than the Lennon to his McCartney, Remus Lupin? The only issues with that are he ditched Remus to go on the show that made him famous and he's been pining for his friend since they were in their early teens.





	1. Bring It Home To Me

**Author's Note:**

> All chapters will be titled with a song so you can start playlist for this story if you'd like!
> 
> Yes, yes Sirius is essentially Harry Styles because I think it's a great base for this story. Sirius would totally have been in a boyband. But still very Sirius and not Harry. Also, waiting for that boy to release medicine asap. We could use more bi anthems in this world. The title of the story also comes from that song, which will be featured in this story at some point.

_If you ever change your mind_  
_About leaving, leaving me behind_  
_Oh, oh, bring it to me_  
_Bring your sweet loving_  
_Bring it on home to me_  
_Yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah), yeah (yeah)_

 _I know I laughed when you left_  
_But now I know I only hurt myself_  
_Oh, oh, bring it to me_  
_Bring your sweet loving_  
_Bring it on home to me_

\--Bring It On Home by Sam Cooke

***

Sirius walked into the very familiar bookshop on the very familiar street in Liverpool but it seemed like ages since he had been there. He had been home over the last five years but he hadn’t been in the bookshop since just before his first tour with The Avenue. He never wanted the Lupin’s shop overrun with mad fans of the band, though it would have been great for business. They did just fine without him though but he’d be willing to boost their sales if needed. There was also a lot of history in those stacks that he was a bit nervous to dust off.

Oh, you don’t know The Avenue? That’s weird but let’s catch you up because it’s sort of necessary to this story. They were the hottest boyband in the history of boy bands. Sirius was the hot one with the best hair. He was also the most talented one but he never agreed with people or thought that out loud because he wasn’t arrogant. The Avenue made millions, sold out stadium after stadium, had an unbelievable amount of streams on all the services, sold out CDs, sold out merchandise, and made young people scream the brains out for them. Their fan following was gigantic and intense. They were the tops. Then Gilderoy got even more of an ego than he already had and left the band to strike it out on his own. From what Sirius could gather striking it out on his own meant partying and dating a model.

After Gilderoy left Sirius, Kingsley, Frank, and Benjy all agreed to finish the last album and do one last tour for their fans. It was also in their contract, so there weren’t many ways round it. While they were doing that, Kingsley was already working on a solo album, and Frank had got a reality star pregnant. Benjy was also thinking about what his next venture would be, in the end, he turned to acting. Sirius, on the other hand, didn’t worry about the future the whole final go. Nor did he think about it for a solid month after the tour finished. It wasn’t until about two weeks ago that he was itching to get back in the studio. He had nearly his whole team ready to go on a writing retreat for two months on some beautiful Caribbean island but he was missing one thing.

“Well, if it isn’t the pop star. Finally coming back to your roots, eh?” Lyall was behind the counter.

“Hilarious, Lyall. Is Remus round?” Remus, who used to be his partner in musical crime until Sirius tried out for X Factor. Sirius sometimes wondered if Remus was angry that Sirius went off and got famous without him. Remus never showed any sort of signs of jealousy but they had made plans when they were younger. Things got all mixed up but now there was some opportunity.

“Oh, John! Paul’s here!” Lyall shouted the old joke to his son who was somewhere in the bookstore.

“Never gets old, Lyall.” Sirius laughed as he heard something drop then Remus swear. “I’ll go find him.”

“Better off, he’s mad at you anyway. Keep your arguing in the back of the store. Bad for business.”

“Mad at me? Whatever for?” Sirius pouted. There was probably a laundry list of reasons for Remus to be mad at him but Sirius always managed to have the other man forgive him.

Lyall just rolled his eyes before going back to his computer. He was probably taking care of inventory or orders.

“Marco!” Sirius yelled.

“Polo, you bastard,” Remus said. “I’m in science fiction.” He said loud enough for Sirius to hear him.

The singer made his way through the stacks, passing only two older people who didn’t seem to notice him. He found Remus in the corner picking up a few books from the floor. He was wearing skinny olive jeans with the bottoms turned up and a plain yellow y-neck. His curls were a bit everywhere but Sirius thought it fitted for Remus. “Drop something?” Sirius gave a little smile.

“No, my dad was saying that you were here so I threw the books to the ground to come run and sweep you up in the hug then I decided that I shouldn’t leave the books here for Gladys and Nina to trip over.”

“You always were concerned about the customer.” Sirius leaned back against the shelves behind him admiring the dimples that were visible when he smiled (even if that smile was sarcastic as it was in the moment) and his beautiful hazel eyes. Yes, Sirius fancied Remus. He had since they were about twelve and that hadn’t changed in far too many years. But Remus always seemed to be off limits. He was his best mate, who was also best mates with James and Peter. The four of them were a unit but he and Remus always connected on some other level. “What are you doing?”

“Writing my magnum opus, you twat, what does it look like? Do you forget what work is? Sure dad would love you to lend a hand today if you need a lesson on how its all done in the real world. We got a big order to send out. It appears as if this person is starting their own library of literary classics.”

“They’re probably trying to impress someone.”

“Like when you read Wuthering Heights to get what’s-her-face’s attention.” Remus snickered as he put the last book in the box.

“That worked so well.” He said with a scoff. Sirius didn’t read whatever Brontë that was for some girl at school, he read it because he had seen Remus read it before and just wanted to see what the big deal was. And maybe he wanted to impress Remus a bit. But he had to keep up appearances, especially back then. Now, his sexuality was reasonably ambiguous even if he dated a few celeb women to keep up the facade but it was just something he was too used to for his old management. There was even a large group of fans of The Avenue that were rooting for Sirius to come out. That didn’t change his management’s mind. He wasn’t ready to anyway. He had his friends and family to do that with first.

“She didn’t even notice you read it.” Remus picked the box up and headed towards to back room. Sirius followed him. “I’m sure she’d notice you now. I think she still lives down the road.”

“Not interested.”

“Right, you’re dating that Florence girl, aren’t you? That model?”

“No.” Sirius shook his head. “I’m very very single right now. It’s essential for my songwriting process.”

“Huh, so you’re going back the studio? Alone?” Remus set the box on the counter.

“Yes, but you’re coming with me, so I’m not totally alone.” Sirius grinned and did sort of a jazz hands thing like it was a big gift for Remus.

“What now?”

“Remus, you’re the best songwriter I know. You were writing good songs when we were teenagers. Usually, teenagers write shite prose but yours was good. And you play guitar better than most people that I’ve come across.”

“You’re being serious — do not make a name joke.” Remus held up a hand.

Sirius bit his lip.

“I’m not a musician, Sirius.”

“No, you’re an unemployed 23-year-old who works for his parents. I know you wanted to be a journalist, but Remus, you could write differently. Come on, Remus, you’re amazing.”

“You don’t have to insult me in between the compliments.”

“Well, the compliments weren’t working! You always were more motivated when you were angry. Speaking of, Lyall said you were mad at me.”

“I wasn’t before you walked in here making fun of my employment status.” Remus grabbed the invoice that was on the table next to the box. “You know, it’s not a bad gig and I always thought I’d take over the business when my dad retires.”

“I know, Remus, but I’m just saying that you could also be a songwriter and guitarist in your oldest mate’s band.”

“James and I are older mates,” Remus said as he checked the books in the box to make sure that he had them all correct.

“You know what I’m saying.”

“Okay, say that I do agree to be a songwriter for you, what’s it entail then?”

“The team and I are going on a writing retreat to for two months. This includes Jamie and Lily visiting at some point. Peter’s agreed to come in to play drums for me. I also have a few rad girls in my band and my manager, producer, and techs are great. Reg might even come along. If anything you’d be getting away to a Caribbean island for two months.”

“All right, so I go do this and we write some songs. Then what happens.”

“We go on tour and you make some money off of the songs you write.”

“Right.”

“Then men and women will be throwing themselves at you,” Sirius said with a grin. Remus was out as a bisexual. He also felt like he should at least do the courtesy of coming out to Remus because Sirius was the first person he came out to when they were fourteen. But it always made him too nervous to say.

“Great.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “I’m fine here.”

“You know, John, you don’t even got a Yoko to break this up.”

“You know Yoko didn’t break up the Beatles. Plus, if anything was a Yoko, it was the bloody X Factor.” Remus said spitefully. Sirius never heard Remus say anything that wasn’t sarcastic about him going on. This was some real resentment.

“I’m sorry, Remus. But we can do it now.”

“You should get home because I’m not in the mood for you being a dick right now. Where is home?”

“I’m staying at the Potter’s estate. As usual.” The Potters had practically adopted Sirius at 16 after he was able to leave his parents legally. That was a whole thing that Sirius didn’t want to think about right now and Sirius didn’t want to get into that part of his past, so he stayed focused. “Come to dinner tonight or tomorrow.”

“I’m supposed to be coming tomorrow. Didn’t know you’d be there.”

“So, that changes things do you?” Sirius frowned.

“No, no, I’ll still be there. It’s not even you, Sirius or anything… I don’t know. Just, I’ll think about coming with you.”

“Yes!” Sirius jumped up in the air before going to plant a kiss on Remus’ cheek. “Thank you.”

“I’m just thinking about it, nothing else,” Remus warned him. “When would you need an answer?”

“Just anytime before I leave. So you have until two weeks from today.”

“Okay, but you don’t get to bug me about it.”

“I won’t, I swear,” Sirius said, trying to contain his excitement.

***

The next day, Sirius was sitting in a wooden chair in the sitting room with a hairdresser he called up from London. He needed to get rid of his hair, because that’s usually what one does when they go into their next life event, wasn’t it? Sirius was sitting there with his hair in a low ponytail chatting to Regulus and Effie, James’ mum and the woman who started his career basically. “I didn’t realize you’d be doing this so close to dinner. James, Lily, Peter, and Remus should be here any moment.”

“Effie, you know how he is, last minute for everything,” Regulus said as Jean, his hairdresser took the clippers to his ponytail.

“Say goodbye to it, Sirius,” Jean spoke with a heavy French accent.

“Bye hair, you were nice.” Sirius gritted his teeth as the scissors cut through the ponytail.

“That’s it.” Jean handed him the ponytail. “Not quite enough to donate but that’s still a lot.”

“Wow,” Sirius looked down at his hair for a moment before tossing it on the ground.

“Now, I think we could sell that and make a good profit,” Remus said, Sirius didn’t realize the man had come into the room.

“Go to hell.” Sirius threw the two-fingered salute him. “You could frame it and put in the bookstore.”

“No thank you.” Remus snorted a laughed. “Dad would murder me if we put up the bratty boy from the nice part of town’s hair up.” He said as Jean started to cut Sirius’ hair into something more attractive than whatever it was going on after the ponytail was gone.

“Does he really still think of me like that?”

“Of course he does,” Effie said. “I’m going to check on dinner. Thanks for coming Remus.” She must have kissed him on the cheek from the sounds of it before leaving the room.

“It’s nice to see you two are still flirting,” Regulus commented as Remus took a seat that was in view of Sirius.

“Fuck off, Reg.” They both said in unison.

“I will. I’ll let you two continue to flirt and pretend you’re not. Just as you have been for like ten years now or some shit.” Regulus left as well.

“Remus, this is Jean, Jean this is my old mate Remus.” Sirius decidedly ignored what his brother was saying and went on to introduce his hairdresser to Remus.

“‘Ello Remus.” He said as he focused on Sirius’ hair.

“So, no more hair?”

“No, a fresh start.”

“That’s cliche, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but I love cliches.”

“You could write a song with them.”

Sirius laughed then sung, “Like a bed of roses or a crown of thorns/I’m used and worn/Gonna cut all my hair off/Its time for a fresh start.”

“I don’t think crown of thorns is a cliche, is it?” Remus pondered.

“I don’t know. It sounded like a horrible but good lyric. Something sad teens would write everywhere.”

“Well, at this rate you’ll have a full album before you go off to your writing retreat,” Remus suggested. “I didn’t realize that your sound was emo though. I always thought of you as like an early Stones or 60’s Beatles or even Queen. Well, without the boyband poppiness of it all.”

“Yes, but if I put it to a good sound, it won’t sound emo.”

“Sure, keeping thinking that mate.”

“So, ah, have you decided if you’re going to be coming with us?” Sirius asked, trying not to sound pushy or eager about it.

“I talked to my parents about it yesterday. I think they’re packing my bags for me as we speak.” Remus said, checking his phone. “They were very keen on the idea of me getting out of the house for a bit.”

“So… you’re coming.” Sirius was glad that he couldn’t move because of his haircut because he was sure he’d jump up and probably kiss Remus on the lips this time.

“I guess so.” Remus shrugged. “Don’t get up or Jean will have to shave your head. I don’t reckon you’d look fit bald.”

“My fans will love me no matter what.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Right, but your friends will give you shite for the rest of your life.”

“I’m not going to jump out of my chair until Jean says I can. But I’m so excited that you’re coming, Remus. It’s going to be great. We haven’t written together in so long.” Sirius beamed at his mate. This was the start of something very good, he could feel it.

Later that night Sirius was watching telly in his room when Regulus popped his head in, “Can we talk?”

“I guess.” Sirius sat up as his younger brother came in and shut the door behind him. “What’s going on? Is it the hair? Does it look horrible?”

“God, you’re vain. It’s not your bloody hair.” Regulus sat next to him on his bed. “When are you just going to tell Remus you fancy him?”

“Reg, don’t start on this.”

“Come on, you can finally come out now. You don’t have to worry about mum and dad like you did until you were 17 then you started worrying about what your managers/producers/whatthefuckevers.” Regulus was the only one he had told that he was gay. That was mainly because Reg had caught him snogging a bloke once there wasn’t much else to say after that. Plus, it was good to have someone he could confide in.

“Even if I came out, what’s that have to do with Remus?”

“You two can’t be in the same room for ten minutes without flirting Or you bicker like you’re an old married couple at times. Just come out, date Remus, get married, and adopt some babies. Just admit it, Sirius, you’re in love with the bloke. I think everyone around you has suspected it at some point.”

“It’s not like that, Regulus. Remus and I are just close. I don’t know what to tell you.” Sirius looked down at his fingernails.

“You’re a shite liar. I don’t know how it’s gone on this long.” Regulus hit him on the shoulder.

“Okay, fine, I fancy Remus John Lupin and I have for years now.” Sirius groaned then threw himself back against his pillows. “I’d fuck up our friendship if I told him, so I don’t.”

“I’m just glad you admit it.”

“Can you stop saying that we’re flirting when we’re together?”

“I will now.” Regulus shrugged. “I don’t think you’d ruin anything. Forgive me for sounding twelve but I think he fancies you back.”

Sirius just rolled his eyes. “Doubtful, want to know why it’s doubtful?”

“Okay, lay it on me.”

“We made out once, before I went on tour. We were drunk but whatever it happened and I thought maybe that would be it. Then the next day he acted as nothing happened.”

“You made out with him! Sirius, you’re a bloody idiot. He probably thinks you’re either deep in the closet or not interested. You never talked to him about it?”

“No.”

“You’re just as much to blame then. If you talked to him, I’d bet something would come of it.”

“No thanks, I don’t want my heart broken. If he did like me, I think he would have said it by now. He’s more upfront about things than I am.”

“Maybe him putting himself out there was making out with you, I don’t know, that’d be my guess.” Regulus held his hands up and shrugged.

“It wasn’t because I kissed him first.”

“Well, he kissed you back, I’m assuming — hoping because if not this is a different conversation.”

“No, he kissed me too. But, Reg, nothing came from it. It’s over. I’m just going to pine over him forever. I’m sure I’ll meet someone I like eventually that will make me forget about Remus.”

“You’re going to be stuck in a house with him for two months. Maybe you won’t have to get over him.” Regulus raised an eyebrow.

“Doubtful.”


	2. Keys to Paradise

_It’s the secret of the winners_  
_That’s why I never got it_  
_I come to find the savoir,_  
_In your eyes_

 _All my frozen winters_  
_Face to blame for the garden_  
_At least I couldn’t say that I tried_

 _Fall apart at the softest setback of darkness_  
_Dampened towers cry above to the_  
_Highest liar’s loving heart_

 _All my partial poems come as painless fillers_  
_I may never be as strong as you like_  
_But the way you look at me_  
_Is such a silent killer_  
_Hold me a close and tell me I’m alright_

 _Up all night just thinking of the ways to remain here_  
_Mourn the silences that one time held_  
_The key to paradise_

 _I kept running down from heights that I remember_  
_Those were times that I treasured like a child_  
_Pick this body up because I know I’m better_  
_And I fell upon the ground with a sigh_

 _Little bandages add up to a coffin baby_  
_But I get hopeful every time I see you crack your little smile_  
—Keys to Paradise by Trampled by Turtles

***

They already wrote a song on the plane. Sirius couldn’t stop laughing that they got a song done on their trip to St. Marie as they took the airport van to the house in the hills. Remus sat next to him for the long-haul flight and they came up with a song called “The Journey” which was about leaving home and making something out of yourself. It was going to be an acoustic song, with only Sirius’ voice and the guitar on the track… maybe some backing vocals too to add some layers. But the song was going to be about him so Remus thought it would be appropriate for his voice and the lyrics to be the main focus. They could get flashy on other songs. Which Sirius planned to do because that’s who he was.

“This is where we’re staying?” Peter let out a low whistle as they came up to the front of the house. It was large and nestled in the hills of the tropical island of St. Marie. There was a recording studio in there as well as enough bedrooms for people to get away from each other when they got sick of one another. Down a bunch stairs was their private beach on top of the swimming pool in the back by the terrace. The Prewett Brother’s studios owned the property and they were the ones who recommended Sirius take a long writing retreat.

“Yes, I don’t think management or anyone else will be here till tomorrow. So it’s just us and Marlene and Mary, I suggest we have a little celebration.” Sirius grinned. He had traveled with Peter, Remus, and Reg. His producers, manager, and audio engineers would be coming the next day.

“I’m all for that plan,” Remus said as the van came to a stop. “This is beautiful. I’m going to hit the beach once we get in there though.”

The men helped the bloke who was in charge of looking after the property carry their luggage into the house. The caretaker, Moody, was a bit of an oddball but gave them a quick tour before leaving as soon as he could. Sirius saw that Mary and Marlene had made it, but there was no sign of them in the house. Peter and Remus went to claim rooms and Sirius and Regulus did the same, but closer to the studio.

“Why do I have to bunk with you?” Reg complained.

“Because you’re not going to be here the whole time. Plus, if I have to share with anyone, I’d rather share with my brother.”

“Not Remus?” Reg asked as the came to the bedroom closest to the studio.

“That talk is off limits for the entire time that you are here.” Sirius dropped his bags on one of the two twin beds.

“Fine, just remember when you come out to him also tell him that you fancy him.”

“No more.”

“Deal.”

Sirius shot his brother a withering look as he opened up one of his bags to unpack. He needed to settle into his surroundings before he got down to business for the next two months. As soon as he unpacked, he left Regulus to nap and went to explore the house. There was a big kitchen that was stocked with everything he could ever want. Sirius loved cooking, so he was going to get to do that quite a bit between the songwriting and album making.

There were seven bedrooms, two of which had to be shared to accommodate everyone. Sirius didn’t mind to sharing Regulus, mainly because he wasn’t going to be there the whole time. It looked like Marlene and Mary were sharing the other one. Remus’ room was located right off the terrace to the pool, sitting area, and dining out there. Remus wasn’t in his room or on the terrace. But he did find Peter in his room. “Wormtail, where’s Moony?” Sirius asked, using their old nicknames.

“I think he went down to check out the beach already.”

“Bloody hell, he moved fast.”

“The rest of the band is probably down there too. I would guess,” Peter said and Sirius nodded. Just as Sirius went to go find his missing backing band, Peter spoke, “Thanks for thinking of me, mate. I remember when we all wanted to start a band and we’d mess around at the Potter’s but I never actually thought we’d be doing it. Too bad James has no talent.” Peter laughed.

“He’ll be a good cheerleader.” Sirius shrugged.

“It’s weird that you had to sell out before you did what you wanted to do. Normally people start in bands then sell out to become pop idols. This seems like a backward way.”

“Sort of, isn’t it? But you’re excited about it right?”

“Do you think I wanted to live my life in accounting. Not exactly the most exciting thing in the world.”

“True.” Sirius laughed. “It’s going to be good, Pete.”

“I think so. I missed you round when you were busy touring and shite. I’m glad you’re bringing me along for the ride.”

“I’m glad you wanted to join.” Sirius grinned. “Want to come meet the girls?”

“I’ll be down in a bit. I told Liz I’d call her when I got here.” Liz was Peter’s longtime girlfriend. Sirius liked her and he was happy for his mate.

“See ya then.” He smiled at Peter before taking off towards the stairs that led to the beach.

Sirius took his time walking down the stairs through the bit of what felt like the jungle that surrounded him. If he had a boyfriend, he’d definitely snog him on the stairs at night. But alas, he didn’t have a boyfriend. He never had an actual boyfriend, a few shags sure but nothing beyond that. But that came with being in the closet. He needed to come out with it so he could get on with his life. Maybe it would help him get over Remus. He had to be holding on to that crush because he had a connection with Remus that he never had with another person. Maybe if he could do that and shag someone, he’d be able to date them.

When he made it down to the white sand beach, he saw Marlene, a tall blonde, and Mary, an average height brunette with olive skin sitting in the sand with Remus, who had his acoustic guitar with him. It was like a picture out of a magazine to get rich kids to travel to untouched places. “My band!” Sirius grinned as he took a seat next to Remus. “Well, minus Pete. He’ll be joining us after he gets off the phone with Liz.”

“Who’s Liz?” Marlene, his bassist, asked.

“A girl he’s been seeing since we were 18,” Remus answered. “She’s sweet you’ll like her. Everyone does.”

“What about you Remus, are you dating anyone?”

“Nah.” Remus shook his head. “Well, I was but he dumped me.”

Sirius furrowed his brow, “When were dating someone?”

“Up until three weeks ago.”

“Right before I asked you to come with me?”

Remus nodded, strumming on his guitar.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t even know you were seeing someone?”

“I thought you two were mates.” Mary laughed.

“Sirius was busy with his final tour. He was busy being famous and all that.” Remus made an excuse for him. Sirius hated the fact that he didn’t know this about Remus. How could he call himself a friend and not even know that he was recently seeing someone? “What? You were.”

“Sorry.”

“Oh, this is going to be a good healing trip for your friendship too, I can feel it,” Mary said with a nod.

“Mary’s into vibes and witch shit. She knows.” Marlene waved a hand at the other woman and nodded.

“I didn’t realize it needed to be healed that much.” Sirius frowned. He didn’t know that Remus was truly upset until the other week when he said that Sirius had sold out and gone on the X Factor. Now he didn’t know his mate had a recent breakup. He was shite. Even if Sirius ever had a chance with Remus, it was honestly buggered now.

“It’s hard to see things sometimes when you’re so close to it,” Mary said wisely.

“Are you a real witch?” Remus asked, not seeming bothered by the fact that Sirius was a bad friend. Undoubtedly the man was angry with him about not knowing about his breakup. He wondered if that was what Lyall was talking about when he came to the shop that day.

“I’m interested in it, not really in a coven or anything.”

“Oh, can you teach me some spells?” Remus questioned, Sirius was a bit surprised that he couldn’t hear any sarcasm in the question.

Sirius just sat silently as the girls and Remus talked about witchcraft and then music and how they got to where they were. Mary and Marlene were both recommended to him by the Prewett brothers to fill out his band. They had been around in another band but they concluded they weren’t going to go very far. But the Prewetts saw that they had talent so they made sure they got on the right track. Sirius met them when he was talking to the Prewetts about getting started on his record but he didn’t know them too well. They seemed great though. Remus got along with them swimmingly.

Eventually, Peter came down with beer then Reg brought alcohol with him. They all made their way back out to the house after a while and continued to drink. Remus eventually broke out the weed, as he usually did. They all sat around, talking, laughing, and bonding. Sirius somehow ended up in Remus’ bed talking at three in the morning. His head was swimming but he wasn’t blackout drunk, neither was Remus.

“How do you not hate me?” Sirius asked with a laugh then he frowned.

“I can’t hate you. Somehow, I’m resistant to it.” Remus blew a raspberry. “I’ve tried multiple times but it never sticks because you come back into my life and, I don’t know. It must not be healthy.”

“You should yell at me and tell me all the shite I’ve done wrong.”

“Too drunk for that. Ask me when I’m sober.”

Sirius was only asking because he was drunk. He hoped that he could ask when he was sober one day because he was a coward generally. He didn’t like conflict, especially with people he cared about. His home life when he was a child was so full of conflict so he tried hard to avoid it. He would fake argue with Remus sometimes but never really had it out on their problems. “I’m happy you’re here. I miss you. I missed you so much on tour.”

Remus didn’t say anything, he just smiled sleepily or drunkenly or maybe it was both, at him.

***

Admittedly, the next day when the management and sound team arrived, Sirius regretted having drunk and smoked so much then stayed up late talking to Remus the night before. But he hadn’t partied with his mates in what felt like ages. It was also nice talking to Remus like that as well. They used to do that a lot. But having a meeting was not something that he was up to at the moment. So he was happy that the Prewetts decided they should meet on the back terrace since it was so beautiful out and he could keep his sunglasses on without looking like a tit.

“I think maybe we should introduce ourselves first,” Fabian said. He and his twin brother were brother tall gingers with freckles and green eyes. "We don't all know each other."

“Fab, if you make us play an ice-breaker, I will break your skull.” Dorcas, Sirius’ new manager, rolled her eyes. She was sitting to his left at the long table on the terrace. Sirius liked her because she was brash and got down to business. She enjoyed conflict it seemed, which worked for Sirius in the business area. She didn't argue with him though.

“Dori, not everyone knows one another. It’s nice.”

“Christ,” Dorcas muttered and Marlene, who was sitting across from her giggled.

“I’m Fabian and I’m one of the producers. I’m the taller twin if you get confused. I won’t be here the whole two months because I have other dealings, but Gid will be round.” Fabian pointed to his brother who was sitting to his right.

“Hi, I’m Gideon, and you can call me Gid. I’m also a producer and my brother is a bit of a twat for making us do this but whatever. Hello.”

“I’m Caradoc,” The blonde bloke at the end of the table waved. “I’m a sound engineer.”

“I’m Bill, also a sound engineer.” Bill was also the Prewett’s nephew, but they didn’t like to mention the nepotism. Sirius also knew the Bill was good at his job, so he didn’t have any complaints. He had the same ginger hair but he didn’t have many freckles like his uncles.

“I’m Mary, I’m on keys but I’m handy with many different instruments in a bind.” She smiled.

“I’m Peter and I am on drums.”

“I feel like I’m in an AA meeting,” Remus said and looked over at Sirius with a dumbfounded look. “Ah, I’m Remus and I’m here to play guitar and help Sirius write.”

“I’m Dorcas. I hate Fab and I’m Sirius’ manager. So I’m mainly here to make sure he doesn’t burn himself out. I also won’t be here the whole time so I’ll be here and there.”

“I’m Sirius. I’m why you’re all here and I think you know that.” Sirius snorted a laugh.

“I’m Regulus and I’m just the brother. I’m also going to be put to work as an assistant.”

“I’m Marlene and I’m a pretty badass bass player.” She grinned.

“Thanks for humoring me,” Fabian said to the table. “So, our goal is to get at least a fairly large chunk of the songs done here. We can and will move to a studio back in London if it comes to it. The only thing you all are worrying about right now is writing songs. Don’t worry about touring or videos or anything else. Obviously, don’t burn yourselves out over it but you’re here to do work. Enjoy the island while you do it might help.”

“That’s such a messy statement,” Dorcas complained.

“Dorcas, will you please.” Fabian shot her a look and she shrugged with a smile.

“Remus and Sirius wrote some lyrics and had a melody for a song already. They need to add the instruments so I think maybe we should get started on that today.” Dorcas suggested.

“I need like an hour before I get into instruments or singing,” Sirius said, he was thankful for his sunglasses because it was far too bright out.

Dorcas shook her head, “That’s fine. But let’s get it done so we can officially have one down.”

And by the end of the day, they did have one done and Remus already had the workings of number two going by dinner time. Sirius was squeezed between Remus and Marlene on the worn out sofa in the recording studio. They were listening to a few parts of The Journey, which still needed to be put together completely by Caradoc and Bill but the recording of it was done. “Do you think that the bridge works?” Remus asked.

“Yes, it works, it sounds brilliant,” Sirius assured his mate. “You’re too hard on yourself sometimes.”

“This is good, Remus.” Marlene nodded. “Now write something I can do things other than backing vocals on.”

“Working on it,” Remus assured her.

Sirius leaned against Remus, putting an arm around his shoulders as Bill paused the music. “I’d say it’s going to be the hit slow song off it, eh?”

“We don’t know what the other songs sound like yet, don’t get ahead of yourself.” Dorcas shook her head. “This is good, one song under the belt. How’s it feel Sirius?”

“Brilliant. I never really had much freedom with The Avenue. I’m still not sure of my sound.”

“Your sound is what I told you the other week. 60’s Stones with some Bowie and Mercury for good measure.” Remus reminded him, patting his thigh. “You’re soft but edgy.”

“I’m not soft,” Sirius complained.

“No matter how many tattoos you get, you’ll never convince me otherwise.” Remus shrugged before pushing himself off the sofa.

“At least I’m not a stodgy grandpa.”

Remus flipped him off then started walking towards the door. “I’m going to work on this song. I’ll be on the terrace if you need me.”

“Are you dating him? I thought you were single?” Dorcas raised an eyebrow in question. It was just her, Bill, and Marlene in the room thankfully. He didn’t need Regulus snickering or Peter saying something daft.

“No, I’m not dating Remus.” He rolled his eyes. “We’re just close. Well, we were close, but it’s been awhile. Why would you say that?”

“I thought you were shagging too,” Bill said.

“I’m not…” Sirius shook his head. “I’m ugh, look I am gay. I haven’t come out before and no one else but my brother knows it but I guess you lot first is the easiest. But I am not with Remus.”

“I think most people suspect it. There’s always been that gossip.” Marlene smiled. “Why haven’t you told your mates? They seem like good people.”

“I don’t know.”

“On your own time, Sirius. It’s fine.” Dorcas waved her hand. “I’m queer too.”

“I’m a lesbian, so we’ll just try to fill out the whole community here.”

“Remus is bi, he’s out and very proud so he won’t mind me saying.”

“I’m gay too.” Bill laughed. “You just hired a bunch of gays to work for you.”

“So, do you fancy Remus?” Dorcas questioned.

“No.” Sirius lied but he was a shite liar so he knew that they all could tell otherwise. “Now, if we could stop going on about this we could get on with writing.”

“Right-o.” Bill nodded as Regulus came in.

“Dinner’s ready if you’re hungry,” Regulus said, speaking directly at Bill. Sirius wanted to roll his eyes hard but he didn’t want to do to his brother what his brother did to him about Remus.

“Brill!” Bill stood up with a smile and everyone followed after him. Regulus lingered in the doorway waiting for Sirius.

“The ginger?” Sirius asked softly.

“He’s hot. That beard though.” Regulus grinned. “I’m sure I’ll shag him before you get over or under Remus.” Regulus patted him on the shoulder.

Sirius glared at his brother before going out to the table on the terrace where they started their day. He wasn’t sure who had a hand in making dinner but it looked and smelt delicious. Remus was sitting on the comfy seating away from the table with his notebook open. “Come on, Moony,” Sirius said, moving closer to him. He hadn’t used Remus’ old nickname in so long. It felt a bit strange on his tongue. “Aren’t you hungry?”

“I lost what I had,” Remus shook his head and handed Sirius his notebook. “Maybe you can pick it up.”

“Let’s eat first. It will help.” Sirius glanced down at the lyrics and half the page was scribbled out. There was one lyric that caught his eye, “First you make the world stop/Then you make my head spin.”

“You like that?”

“Yeah, where were you going with it?” Sirius asked as they sat down next to one another.

“I don’t know. I was looking for something upbeat.”

“That’s a good start. I can work with that. Who does that to you? Your former boyfriend?” Sirius wondered as he picked up the salad bowl.

Remus just shrugged, “Maybe. Or it’s just a lyric. Not every lyric is about someone or myself. You know that. Did the Beatles live in a Yellow Submarine? Was she a Barbie girl living in a Barbie world? Who was Cotton Eyed Joe?”

“Those were — this is about someone.” Sirius pointed to the notebook page. “I know you. You don’t write meaningless songs.”

“One time you two wrote a song about pretzels,” Peter said to Sirius.

“We were stoned and hungry. It was meaningful at the moment.” Sirius reminded Pete.

“That song was catchy.” Remus laughed before taking a drink of the water that was in front of him.

“James wanted to murder you two because you kept singing it over and over again. He probably heard it in his nightmares.” Peter laughed.

“We’re off track here. I still want to know who you’re writing about!” Sirius looked at Remus expectantly.

“It’s just a line in what I’m hoping ends up to be a hit song, Sirius.” Remus shook his head. “Now eat so you can add on to it.”

Sirius listened. He ended up staying up until 3 am working on the lyrics with Remus and humming out melodies with the band. It had the workings of a hit song and Remus decided it should be titled Right There, which comes in the last lines of the song. “I didn’t know where I was/Not until you were right there/Now it’s all right here”.

“We’ll record it tomorrow. We need to sleep now.” Sirius said. “We have plenty of time to do the rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> St. Marie is a fictional island and you should watch Death in Paradise because that’s where it comes from.


	3. When We Were Young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI: I somehow managed to post my unedited chapter 2 for this so I had to go back and fix it. There are no major changes BUT it probably reads better now haha.

_Oh we burned, bridges in our hearts_  
_And we learned how to grow apart and it hurt_  
_When we were young_  
_Now we've grown and we did this all on our own_  
_Raised on the streets of our home_  
_When we were young_

 _We had fights and we made up_  
_All these nights getting way too drunk_  
_And I, oh I..._

 _I'd do it all again tonight_  
_Relive all of the stupid fights_  
_I wanna be the person I was when we were young_  
_You know we really had the life_  
_The girls would wait for us outside_  
_I wanna be the person I was when we were young_  
-When We Were Young by Picture This

***

The next three weeks were filled with a frenzy of writing and recording seven songs for the album. He wanted twelve for the album because he always liked that number. Sirius’ sound was becoming evident and it was precisely how Remus described him. The sound was nothing like the pop music that he had grown so used to singing and attempted to write but it was how he truly saw himself. The pop world was the thing that helped launch him, he didn’t hate it, but he was more into rock as a kid. He knew that his faithful fans would love whatever he put out but he wondered about critics and other people. Would they think that he was trying to be something that he wasn’t? He had spent so long being something that he wasn’t. He was going to do it any longer. But how would anyone know?

When week four hit at the house in the hills, it seemed like the whole team had hit a writing wall. Thankfully, James, Lily, and the Tonks were excepted on the island in a day to occupy his mind. He hoped the distraction would do some good for Sirius. But until they came, Sirius was stuck in the house with a bunch of people who were all driving each other mad trying to find a piece of inspiration. They would all come together and then break apart throughout the day in different places around the property. There were arguments then laughter and sometimes tears of frustration (those were mostly from Sirius). Nothing was working. They ate quietly at dinner, trying their hardest not to talk about the fact they hadn’t written a song in days.

After dinner Remus stayed out on the terrace, taking up residence in the comfy seating by the pool with his notebook and guitar. Over the weeks, Sirius came to find that this was Remus’ favorite writing spot. Sirius stayed at his seat, watching him while he finished his beer. At one point he got so frustrated that he strummed his guitar hard enough to break a few strings. “I’m never going to write another song.” Remus groaned and set his guitar aside.

“Wanna fight?” Sirius raised an eyebrow before he got up and went to the bar on the terrace. He hadn’t taken part in any of the arguments that the team had, but he wondered if it could help him and Remus.

“What?” Remus laughed in the way that you do when someone says something utterly ridiculous.

“The night we first got here we were wasted and we were talking about how shitty I’ve been to you. But you said to talk to you about it when you’re sober. You’re sober now.” Sirius grabbed the bottle of Jameson. He didn’t plan on staying too sober.

“You can’t be… you’re kidding me right?” Remus shook his head as Sirius sat down. “You hate arguing unless we’re quarreling over something daft. Most of the time we're sarcastic in the situations.”

“Let’s do it. Let’s get all out and maybe it will make you feel better and we can write again.” Sirius opened the bottle and took a long swig of the amber liquid, feeling it warm his insides as it made its way through his body.

“Okay, so, I don’t… er, I guess we could start with the fact that you told me that you’d never go on X Factor. Then you said you’d never actually keep going after they put you in a group. Then you said you’d never go on tour. You just completely sold out and you wouldn’t tell me the truth. You fucked off!” Remus’ voice increased as he spoke each sentence.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” Sirius said as Remus took the bottle.

“Didn’t you think the lying would hurt worse?” He snapped after taking a drink. “You’re so ignorant to other people’s feelings, Sirius. You hurt Peter too but he got over it, I guess I’m shitty because I hold grudges.”

“I just felt like going on tour and shite would give me a chance to do… well, to do exactly what we’re doing now eventually. It worked.”

“Then we should have had that conversation. You don’t talk to people, which I assume comes from the fact those parents of yours raised you. But bloody hell, I thought you’d trust your other mates and me at some point. When you were on tour or making an album, you didn’t even talk to me.”

“I was busy and I’m a shite friend.”

“You found time for James and Peter and even Lily. But you didn’t contact me?”

“Because I was worried you hated me for leaving you, which you did. Everyone else, I don’t know, they mostly were joking about being in a band together. Peter’s grateful but I don’t think he thought it would happen. You did, though and we talked so serious about it.”

“Oh my god, what fucking logic is that?” Remus took another drink.

“Bad logic!”

“At least you admit it.” Remus grimaced.

“So why were you mad at me before I came by the bookstore?”

“Because I found out through James that you had been home for almost two weeks and I hadn’t seen you once. When you did talk to me, it was all about you and what you needed. I honestly don’t understand why I’m your friend sometimes.”

“I’m sorry Remus but you also never contacted me when I was on tour.” Sirius knew he said the wrong thing as soon as it came out of his mouth but he couldn’t take it back now.

“Oh, fuck you! I did reach out at first then nothing!” Remus yelled as the door to the terrace opened and Peter, Mary, and Reg came outside.

“Go back inside, please,” Sirius asked them sincerely as Remus reached into his pocket for his cigarettes.

“You sure?” Reg raised an eyebrow.

“Fuck off, Reg.” Both Sirius and Remus shouted. Regulus, Mary, and Peter went back in without another word. Sirius was sure no one would be bothering them the rest of the night now.

“You need to work on being a better mate. I shouldn’t have known you were home.” He complained before lighting up his cigarette. “I thought we were so close before you went off then, I don’t know what happened.”

Sirius wanted to tell him that what happened was Remus and he made out for ages at his going away party then it was never mentioned again. But that was partially his fault as well. He also wanted to tell Remus that he thought space would help him get over his crush but it seemed to make it worse most nights. Except it got far worse when they spent too much time together. “We were close. You were my best mate. Don’t tell Wormtail and Prongs that.”

“Never.” Remus scoffed. “If I was such a good mate… I don’t get it.” He shook his head.

“I’m just an idiot, Remus. My parents fucked up my ability to have close relationships it seems. I’ve never had a boyfriend, really. I’m—” Sirius stopped speaking when he realized what he said. He didn’t mean to come out. That wasn’t the elegant way that he always thought he’d come out to Remus He figured he’d say something inspiring or relate it to Remus’ coming out. His heart was pounding in his chest and he felt sort of funny.

Remus looked at him with wide eyes. “So… you’re…”

Sirius cleared his throat then said, “I’m gay.”

“Thought as much.” He waved a hand. “You’ve probably told everyone else, I’m guessing. I’m the last to know as always.” He assumed before he took a drag of his cigarette.

“Just Reg until the other week. Marlene, Dorcas, and Bill know only because of a conversation that led me to out myself and I wanted to see how it felt coming out to people.” Sirius didn’t want to mention it was about how he was not dating Remus.

“So, you’ve never had a proper boyfriend?”

“No, nope.” Sirius shook his head. “I’ve hooked up with some blokes but it was never anything too intense.”

“What about your girlfriends?”

“My old management didn’t want me out so I stayed deep in the closet and had beards. I was used to it because of my parents, so…” He shrugged, reaching for the whiskey again.

“Why didn’t you say something before when I came out? I’ve always been open about my sexuality.”

“I was just nervous, I guess.”

“Well, it is your choice of when and how you come out. I’m sure you didn’t want to do it like that.”

“No really, but it’s fine. Bound to happen at some point.” Sirius sighed.

“Did you know you liked blokes before or after we snogged that time?” Remus asked before taking the Jameson from Sirius’ hands.

“Before.”

“Huh, okay.”

“I was just horny and drunk.” Sirius sputtered as if he were trying to cover something up. He was a bad, horrible liar.

“All right.” Remus nodded and looked thoughtful.

“So, why else do you hate me?” He decided that he needed to change the topic back before putting his foot further in his mouth.

“I don’t hate you, Sirius.” Remus shook his head. “You just drive me insane somedays.”

“I’ll be a better friend. I swear.” Sirius put a hand over his heart. “Are you sure that you don’t have any other reason to yell at me?”

“I’m sure I do but I’m all out of it now. I really don’t want to argue but that was good getting that all off my chest. Can we talk more about you being gay?”

“What do you want to know?” Sirius furrowed his brow. “I’m gay. I’m very gay and I can’t wait to be fully out of the closet to everyone. So I can embrace my full gayness.”

Remus laughed before taking another drag of his cigarette. “You know how I said I always thought so?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re already fairly flamboyant.”

“Just wait. I bought these sparkly rainbow boots to wear on tour. That’s just a step one but, yeah.” Sirius nodded.

Remus chuckled, “I can’t wait for you to be yourself. When are you going to come out to everyone else? Not that I’m pressuring you to do so.”

“Now and tomorrow and as soon as I see Effie and Monty again. I wasn’t planning on it but the bowl seems to be rolling. Then I think I should come out to the world via song.”

“We’ll need to write a good song then.” Remus took another drink of the whiskey.

“As much reference to sucking cock as we possibly can get in.” Sirius snorted a laugh, taking the bottle from Remus. “Not that I’ve had sex in what seems like ages.”

“That’s too bad.” Remus pouted. “I was having regular sex but my boyfriend was a twat.”

“What happened with him? What was his name?”

“Nick and he was only dating me because, er, well because he thought he could meet you eventually.”

“You’re fucking joking!” Sirius slapped the top of the seating so hard it made his hand tingle. “Why would someone do that? I would hate him if I ever met him. Where’s he live? I’ll go chin him.”

“People do daft things when they want to meet famous people sometimes.”

“Shitty.”

“Completely.” Remus stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray behind Sirius then put his arm around Sirius’ shoulders. He hated the butterflies in his stomach but he rested against Remus. “How do you date?”

“I don’t.”

“Okay, how do you shag because it sounds like you do.”

“I go out discreetly and meet blokes. There were also people on tour with us who were gay.” Sirius said. “And I’m so pretty so it’s not difficult.”

“I’m sure it’s not.” Remus kissed him on the cheek. “I’m going to go down to the beach for a bit.”

“All right.” Sirius smiled as Remus stood up. “Have fun.”

Sirius went back inside to find everyone sitting in the living room setting up monopoly. He looked at them and thought that now was as good of a time as any to come out. Everyone was there and he wouldn’t have to do it multiple times. Plus, a few of them already knew. “I’m gay. I just thought everyone should know.” Sirius looked around everyone nodded, not looking shocked one bit. “Okay. No one is going to say anything?”

“Um, congratulations?” Peter smiled.

“You knew, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“That seems to be a theme with this.” Sirius wondered if he was that easy to read.

“So, why were you and Remus screaming at one another?” Bill asked as Regulus handed him a beer. Bill grinned at him for far too long. They were shagging.

“I’m a shite mate. He needed to get some feelings out we haven’t talked about in a while. I was hoping it would help him write but after we made up, he went down to the beach without his guitar or notebook.”

“Did he invite you to the beach?” Marlene questioned.

“Ha, no. He just said he was going down.”

“Mmmhmmm.” Dorcas bit her lip and nodded.

“Did you come out to Remus?” Reg asked.

“Yes, just now.”

“I think, mate, I think he was inviting you down there to maybe hookup. As weird as that is for me to say about two of my best mates.” Peter suggested.

Sirius laughed loudly, putting his hands on his hips. “Fuck off. Reg, did you bring them into your conspiracy or something?” He hoped his brother didn’t betray him.

“I said nothing.” Regulus shook his head.

“We’ve never spoken about this before outside of a few knowing glances. I guess we didn’t know a thing.” Mary frowned. “I think you two will work it out. It will end up happily.”

“There’s nothing to work out.” Sirius snickered then sat down next to Gideon. “We’re mates. That’s all.”

“Okay…”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Whatever. All I have to say is that men can have close relationships and not be shagging.”

No one else spoke, they just went to the game. As he played monopoly, Sirius wondered what would have happened if he did go down to the beach. Clearly, everyone was making up some great stories in their imaginations about Sirius and Remus. He was sure that even if he went down to the beach with Remus, they would have just chatted the whole time. They probably would have got a song done.

***

The next day Peter, Regulus, Remus, and Sirius went down to the resort that Lily, James, Andi, Nym, and Ted were staying at. Sirius was so happy to see them and take a break from beating himself up over not being able to write a thing. They spent the morning catching up and having breakfast then they went out on a rented boat to go scuba diving. Sirius would have been happy to sit around and do nothing with them all because it was the first time in what felt like ages that they were all in the same place.

“This is great,” James said as he, Lily, Andi, and Nym were sitting in the back of the boat.

“I know, I’m so glad you all came.”

“So, you’ve writer's block?” Lily asked.

“I do,” Sirius said. “We all do, it was like contagious or something.” Sirius looked over to where Remus was leaning over the edge of the boat to look down into the water. “I’m hoping one of us breaks or something. I don’t know.”

“It will be fine.”

“Can I tell you all something?” Sirius asked with a smile.

“Always.”

“I’m gay,” Sirius said, it was a lot easier saying it than he always built up in his head. Maybe it was because he knew that none of these people would reject him. It made him regret not coming out soon.

“I had a feeling… I mean, we love you.” James said with a confident nod.

“I’m so glad you told us, Sirius.” Lily reached across to pat his hand.

“Me too, we all love you so much.” Andi reached over and squeezed his hand. “You know that we’d love you no matter what, my darling. Effie and Monty will say the same when you tell them.”

“Sirius, I’m trans and mum didn’t boot me out of the house.” Nym pointed out. “Then Remus is bi and everyone loves him. Why didn’t you tell us before?”

“Everyone’s got to go at their own pace, Dora,” Remus said, he was standing close enough to hear the conversation. “Even if we all thought we knew Sirius was gay,” Remus shrugged. “You just got to let people work it out themselves. Not everyone is us and comes out when we’re young.”

“As shocking as it is I’m not that confident in certain areas.” Sirius pointed out to his cousin.

“Yes, your parents.” Andi rolled her eyes as the boat came to a stop.

“Are we going to sit here chatting all day about Sirius or are we going to dive? I know he’d love the former but I’d very much like to do the latter.”

“Come on, Moony, let’s go.” Sirius stood up and grabbed Remus’ arm to drag him to where the crew, Regulus, Peter, and Ted were at the other side of the boat.

“You doing okay?” Remus asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. Coming out can be emotional.”

“Well, it seems like everyone knew already so that makes things a bit easier I’d assume.” Sirius laughed. “It does feel good to say it out loud.”

“Good, I’m glad.”

The rest of the day was spent in the sun. They went diving before going back to the resort to spend time on the beach before dinner. The whole day was spent drinking as well, so by the time Regulus, Peter, Sirius, and Remus it was late and they were rather pissed. No one was awake, and if they were, they weren’t out in the common areas of the house. Peter and Reg immediately went to their rooms but Sirius thought it’d be brilliant to try to write some music.

Remus picked up the guitar and was strumming a random tune then sang, “I’m so drunk/I can’t think/We’re in a funk/We all fucking stink”.

“I mean, the first like two lines weren’t horrible.”

“No, I’m not writing easy songs about being drunk. You’re not going to have an easy party song. You’re more intelligent than that.”

“Why do you know my sound better than me?” Sirius laughed, rested his cheek on the back of the sofa.

“You get in your head too much.”

“Too true, mate. Too true. Do you think we’ll be able to write some things soon?”

“Sure hope so.” Remus set the guitar aside then rubbed a hand over his face. “Maybe someone wrote something while we were out all day.”

“Or they all killed one another, that’s why no one is awake.”

Remus laughed and shook his head, “Okay moving away from that morbid statement, You know, I’m really proud of you.”

“And just yesterday we were yelling at one another. Why are you proud of me?” Sirius furrowed his brow.

“You’re coming out. You’re ready to be yourself fully in front of the world finally. You’re releasing an album you want to make. It just makes me really proud. You went through a lot as a kid and you were a bit of a rebel as a teenager then you went off and you were famous. But I just knew that there was so much you were covering up. Now you're you and it’s great.”

“Oh, ah, thanks.” Sirius was surprised at Remus’ sincerity. Not that Remus was mean and sarcastic to him all the time, but ordinarily drunk Remus was funny, not sappy.

“It’s scary, so I’m proud.”

“You never seemed scared about who you were when we were younger.”

“I was bloody terrified but I faked it till I made it. I also had supportive parents that didn’t make me feel like shite about myself. So that helped.”

“I think I need to go to sleep.” Sirius yawned.

“That’s a good idea.” Remus leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead before standing up. “Goodnight.”

Except Sirius didn’t go to sleep, he felt like he got a second wind. He looked around, found a piece of paper and a pen and started to write. It was a song about growing up and being with your friends but losing that and falling out of touch. He fell asleep before writing the second verse but he had his chorus and the first verse. The next morning he finished it and the band helped with the rest.


	4. Nights With You

_I'll take you out tonight_   
_(Throw away your phone)_   
_Don't care about your boyfriend waking up alone_   
_I'll take you out tonight_   
_(Leave it all at home)_   
_Don't care about your boyfriend waking up alone_

_I just wanna spend the nights with you_  
 _Do it like your mother said not to do_  
 _Every time I hear the phone ring_  
 _I feel the same thing, I feel the same thing, uh_  
 _I just wanna spend the nights with you_  
 _With you, with you, with you_  
-Nights With You by MØ

***

In the weeks that followed, Sirius, Remus, and the rest of the team wrote at a bit steadier of a clip. The songs were flowing and things were good in general. Sirius had never been more of a tan in his life either. He was happy to be surrounded by this team of people, far more than he ever had when he was working The Avenue. It was far too much business in that band than pleasure. Sirius loved music, so he was able to find something good in it no matter what. But at the same time, he burnt out a lot because he didn’t have enough fun. He wasn’t with any of his mates either, so he was mostly. Sure he, Frank, and Kingsley grew close but there was still a lot around them that Sirius wasn’t a fan of. Now he was having fun and was able to be entirely creative on his own.

By the time the last week came around, they only had one song of left for the album. Gideon, Fabian, and Dorcas were over the moon that it came together so fast. But the last song was evading Sirius. He wanted one that was going to pull the whole album together. That first hit single. Fab thought that a more upbeat song, entailed “Ethereal”, was going to take him to number one. It was a great song, the lyrics were brilliant and mostly came from Remus. But he wanted something else. Even a little slower but not totally a ballad. Something in between.

“You’re looking thoughtful,” Marlene said, sitting down next to him in the sand. “Penny for your those thoughts, love?”

“Just trying to find something knocking around in my head for the last song of the album.”

“You could have put one out with ten songs. It would have been fine. You have eleven now. They’re all amazing too and a far cry from The Avenue’s generic pop sound.”

“I like the number twelve. Eleven is uneven, though I wouldn’t mind thirteen and ten doesn’t seem like enough. Remus’ favorite number is twelve too.”

“God,” Marlene groaned.

“What?” Sirius furrowed his brow.

“Nothing, you should just, like, keep it at eleven. Stop stressing over it.” Marlene rolled her eyes. “Or maybe you need to have sex. When was the last time you got laid? Mary was saying that that energy was strong off of you or something. I don’t know. She’s so vibey. I love her but I don’t get it sometimes. I think you need to have sex. Maybe it will help you find the last song.”

“Who am I going to shag? There are not many options here. I’m not going to go hunting around the island for one either.”

“What about Remus?”

“Not this again, Marlene.”

“Look, I’m just saying, you two are very touchy-feely for two people who aren’t having sex.”

She had a point. Sirius couldn’t count the times Remus kissed him on the cheek or forehead or vice versa. Or how many times they touched each other in a day. Or put their arms around one another. But he was always like that with Remus. He could be like that with James too sometimes and Lily. He liked affection since he was deprived of when he was growing up. “God, I thought you all dropped that theory. I haven’t heard it since the night we played Monopoly. We’re just that way, Marls. It doesn’t mean anything else.”

“Mmm, okay.”

“There you two are!” Mary said coming next to them. “They finished the arrangement on Star Shine and wanted to play it back for us. Remus is, again, second-guessing something. Something in the chorus, I don’t know but he's all huffy.”

“He does that. I think he’s afraid of commitment.” Sirius laughed as Mary sat down. “So, Mary, I’m giving off vibes that I need to have a shag?”

“Yes, you are.” Mary nodded.

“How?”

“You’re tense but in a way that you need some more physical intimacy.”

“You’re odd. In a wonderful way. But you are odd.” Sirius shook his head at her.

“Thanks.” She laughed. “I enjoy being odd.”

“How can you just be so much yourself all the time?” Sirius marveled at anyone who could just embrace their weirdness and be relaxed.

“At some point, I stopped caring.” She shrugged. “You will too. Sirius, you have got a personality that’d people kill for and they do fake. You don’t need to do much else with it. Be you and you’ll be okay.”

“Right.” Sirius wasn’t sure how to go about being himself. He spent years putting himself aside to being a more toned down version.

“Maybe having sex with someone will help with that,” Marlene suggested.

“I’m not a virgin.” Sirius shook his head.

“You need to sleep with someone who brings out that something special in you.”

Sirius wasn’t exactly sure what Mary meant, but he was never really sure what Mary meant so he tried not to dwell on it. Except that was all that was in the back of the mind the rest of the evening. Even when he went up to the house to hear the final arrangement of Star Shine, Sirius was thinking about how he needed to have sex and how exactly someone would bring out something special in Sirius just from a shag. Clearly, the woman knew something he didn’t. But he couldn’t figure out how to go about understanding her.

Eventually, everyone went off to their rooms to sleep. Except for Remus and Sirius, who were always the last two awake and working. They were trying to find that last song. They even resorted to going through Remus’ old songwriting notebooks that he brought along with him. It was a bit like taking a trip down memory lane. He could still hear the tune to some of them. There was even the pretzel song. But Sirius came across a page with a bit of a jumble of lyrics that looked promising.

“Here to take my medicine, take my medicine/Treat you like a gentleman/give me that adrenaline, that adrenaline thing I’m gonna stick with it,” Sirius paused and looked up at Remus who looked a bit surprised. “There’s no order to these lyrics but I like the ones you have. I had a few, got drunk on you and now I’m wasted. That’s good. And here you have, If you go out tonight, I’m going out ‘cause I know you’re persuasive.”

“Oh, I forgot about this.” Remus grabbed the book out of his hand and took a seat next to Sirius on the sofa. “That’s from forever ago.”

“Who was this for. That was definitely for someone. It was after the pretzels so. You were probably 17. Oh, that bloke you were dating who you told that you were 23.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “No, it was not about him. It was just some bloke that I fooled around with. It didn’t go very far.”

“Sounds like you liked whatever it was that happened.”

“Very obvious, don’t you think?”

“Yes,” Sirius sighed loudly. “You should finish it.”

“Mmm.” Remus looked at his notebook for a moment before tossing it aside.

They sat quietly for a few minutes and Sirius couldn’t stop his brain from thinking about what this bloke and Remus had done. Then he thought of how horny he was and how Marlene might have been right. It had been some time since he had sex. Being around Remus wasn’t helping much, especially watching him with his shirt off a lot because he liked to go swimming. It wasn't very helpful. “I think I need to have sex,” Sirius said abruptly.

“What?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“I think that’s my problem. No sex.”

“I thought your songwriting process involved singleness.” Remus nudged Sirius’ calf with his toe.

“Not sexlessness. Different things.”

The other man looked thoughtful for a moment then grinned. “Want a blowjob? A brojob, if you will. Friends with benefits.” Remus snorted a laugh and Sirius felt his cheeks heat up.

“Really?” Sirius knew this was not the best idea but he was horny and touch starved. Just like the time they snogged, he knew it wasn’t a good idea. Remus didn’t fancy him much beyond this, so maybe he could take what he could get.

“Why not? Friends have sex all the time. All over the world. It happens. If you want it, it’s not a big deal. If you don’t want to, forget I even mentioned it.”

Sirius bit his lip then just decided to say, fuck it mentally, and straddled Remus. If he didn’t dive right in, then he wouldn’t have done it. He wanted Remus. Maybe this would be the person to help him find that special something in himself that Mary was going on about earlier. “Bloody hell, give a bloke some warning.” Remus laughed.

“It’s been fucking ages, mate.” Sirius shook his head. “It won’t take long.”

“You should sit back then and let’s get to it.” Remus gave him a bruising kiss before he pushed Sirius off his lap. He did get down to business, rather quickly. Sirius felt like he blinked and his trousers and pants were off from one of his legs, still tangled around the other. His brain felt like it blanked in those few moments, so he tried to slow down. He wanted to enjoy it. It had been awhile and it was bloody Remus.

The guitarist wrapped his calloused hand around Sirius half-hard member and gave it one long pull, giving a slight twist to his wrist at the end. Sirius bit the inside of his cheek when Remus grinned at him before his tongue poked out and dragged it along the underside of his cock. Sirius closed his eyes and let his head fall back as Remus’ hand slide down to the root. His lips wrapped around the head and he worked expertly at Sirius’ cock.

Not to overstate it, but Sirius had never had a blowjob so good. He wasn’t just thinking that because it was coming from Remus, but because it was true. He was usually drunk and things were somewhat sloppy. It was enough to get him off and they were all generally enjoyable. But the way Remus rolled his tongue and sucked made his toes curl and his head spin. “Oh, fuck, Remus,” He said softly, not wanting to be too loud.

The other man was bobbing his head up and down his length, taking him all the way in then pulling back so his lips were just wrapped around his glans. He stopped and swirled his tongue around the head after few times but in no particular order.

“Remus, I’m gonna — gonna…” Sirius felt like his nerve endings were on fire but Remus didn’t stop, he kept going. Sirius came into Remus’ mouth, covering his own mouth with his hand and biting his palm hard. For a few moments, he just saw stars behind his eyelids and felt Remus pressing kisses to his thighs.

When he could finally piece together words he looked down at Remus, “Oh fucking hell. Where’d you learn to do that?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“I would very much like to know.” Sirius shook his head, trying to regain some sort of equilibrium. “Shite.” He reached down and pulled Remus on to the sofa. He didn’t do much of the pulling him, really, Remus got on to the sofa on his own.

“If you can’t—“

“No, I can.” Sirius shook his head. “Let me,” He reached for Remus’ zip. He felt awkward, whereas seemed that Remus was confident and assured — not any different from how it normally felt with the other man. He pulled Remus’ hard cock out of his pants and felt his mouth water. He was thick and long. “If this music thing doesn’t work out. You could get into porn.” Sirius wanted to kick himself for saying that out loud. But it was the most beautiful cock he’d ever seen.

“I appreciate the compliment but…”

“Right, right.” Sirius cleared his throat before licking his lips. He leaned forward, wrapping his hand around the smooth skin. He ran his tongue along the vein on the side before wrapping his lips around Remus and attempted to swallow as much as he could. He was surprised at the moan he let out when he felt Remus on his tongue.

Again, Sirius felt like his mind was blanking due to his nerves. He wanted to remember it but he could barely tell you exactly how he got Remus to come. He was surprised when it happened, even though Remus had warned him. He had never swallowed before. They usually came on his face or chest. The one time he did get it in his mouth, he spat it out. This time he swallowed Remus down. It was… interesting. Not exactly his favorite but it didn’t make him want to get sick. Plus, it was Remus, so how bad could it be?

Sirius sat up, rubbing his jaw. He sat quietly for a few minutes before asking, “How did I not know that you were so—big?”

“I don’t know.” Remus laughed, tucking himself back into his pants. “It’s time to go to bed.” He kissed Sirius on the cheek. “Thanks for that.”

“Ah, right, thank you too.”

***

The next morning, Sirius laid in his bed looking up at the ceiling. He had given and received a blowjob to Remus. The thought of it in the morning didn’t make him hard, no, it sent anxiety coursing through his body. How could he let himself do that with Remus? They were mates and Sirius was in love him and had been for ages. The friends with benefits thing probably worked well enough with people who didn’t have their whole lives entangled together.

“Are you coming to breakfast?” Dorcas poked her head in.

“Ah, sure, yeah.” Sirius nodded, not moving.

Dorcas huffed a breath then came into the room, closing the door behind her. “What’s wrong? Are you having some existential crisis or something? Do I need call a therapist?”

“What? No.” Sirius furrowed his brow and gave her a funny look.

“Then what’s happening?”

“Can you swear that you won’t tell anyone?”

“Sirius, I’m your manager. The only thing I care about is getting things done that need to get done. Also, that your well-being is taken care of. I won’t say anything out loud that you don’t want me to repeat. To anyone.” She promised, sitting on the edge of his bed as he sat up.

“I hooked up with Remus last night.”

Dorcas’ brown eyes looked like saucers for a moment then she grinned. “Of course you did. Hooked up how?”

“Blowjobs.”

“Okay. And did you talk about it?”

“The pretense was it was just friends with benefits because we both hadn’t had sex in a while. I may have said it might help with finishing this last song.” Sirius bit his lip. “I don’t like him.”

“Of course you don’t.” She patted his knee.

“You’re just agreeing with me. Tell me I’m an idiot. You don’t just agree with people if you think they’re wrong. I like you because you don’t.”

“Look, Sirius, I can’t force you to come fully to accept the fact that you are in love with your best mate. And if you have accepted that, then I can’t force you to talk to Remus about your feelings. So I’m not entirely sure what you want from me here.”

Sirius didn’t know either. “Banish Remus from the island?”

“The man who wrote well over half the songs on your album? Yeah, that sounds great. I can see the lawsuit now.” Dorcas rolled her eyes. “Either declare your love or move on. You’re just driving yourself mad.”

Sirius didn’t know what else to say. Even though he had sucked Remus’ cock, he still wasn’t able to tell him his real feelings towards him. He felt like he would fuck everything up if he did. How could he possibly sustain a relationship with Remus? He was shite at being a friend as it was.

“If you don’t have breakfast, it will be weird,” Dorcas said and she was right.

So, Sirius sent Dorcas out, got changed, and then went out to the terrace where the breakfast foods were sitting on the table and everyone was helping themselves. He tried not to look for Remus, but of course, he eyes found him right away. He was sitting in the middle of the table with a forgotten plate of food, writing furiously. Sirius looked to Dorcas who just made a face. He sighed and sat down next to Remus once he got the food he wanted.

“Writing?”

“Mmm, one — one second.” Remus didn’t look up so Sirius went to pick at the fruit and muffin he had on his plate. He listened to Dorcas and Marlene flirt across from him and tried not to notice that his brother and Bill were holding hands under the table. The island had some effect on people’s love lives.

Mary sat down next to him and leaned over, “Your energy is different.”

Sirius balked for a moment, trying to think of something good to say but Remus interrupted anything else by declaring, “Your last song. It’s also a coming out song. It’s not the ballad but not ballad thing you were talking about but, I don’t know. This is what I got.”

Sirius took the notebook that was handed to him and realized that it was the song that he had found last night. The song was now arranged and there were new lyrics added to it. “How’s it sound?”

Remus sung it through, his voice was in a much lower register than Sirius’, but it was nice. Sirius liked the song. It was a bit daring but he did tell Remus he wanted a song to come out of the closet with. “Yes! Yes!” Sirius jumped up. “Let’s go, studio. Now.”

“Can I just finish—”

“Bring it with you!” Sirius urged Peter. “This is a hit and it screams gay!”

“Sounds like fun.” Marlene stood up, grabbing her orange juice. “We do love anything that screams gay.”

***

The day before they left, they had the song done. Everyone was sitting in the studio listening to the final track, Sirius was sitting against Remus again. They had gone on for days without any mention of their mutual blowjobs. The first day was a little awkward for him but after that things went back to normal. Sirius got over it and went to work.

_Here to take my medicine, take my medicine_   
_Treat you like a gentleman_   
_Give me that adrenaline, that adrenaline_   
_Think I'm gonna stick with it_

_Here to take my medicine, take my medicine_   
_Rest it on your fingertips_   
_Up to your mouth, feeling it out_   
_Feeling it out_

_I had a few, got drunk on you and now I'm wasted_   
_And when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you_

_If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive_   
_You got that something, I got me an appetite, now I can taste it_   
_You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh_   
_La la la la la_   
_You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh_

_Tingle running through my bones, fingers to my toes_   
_Tingle running through my bones_   
_The boys and the girls are in_   
_I mess around with him_   
_And I'm OK with it_

_I'm coming down. I figured out I kinda like it_   
_And when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you_

_If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive_   
_You got that something, I got me an appetite, now I can taste it_   
_You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh_   
_La la la la la_   
_You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh_

_I had a few, got drunk on you and now I'm wasted_

_If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive_   
_You got that something, I got me an appetite, now I can taste it_   
_You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh_   
_La la la la la_   
_You get me dizzy, oh, you get me dizzy, oh_

“That’s a hot song. Remus, I don’t know who you shagged to get that but I’m glad you did.” Dorcas gave him a little nod. “Let’s celebrate!”

Sirius sat there for a moment as everyone around him jumped up to go off to celebrate in a larger common area. Remus stayed seated next to him. “Congratulations.” Remus leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips, lingering for a moment. “It’s going to be a hit. I can’t wait to listen to the whole album all the way through. Time to get drunk now.”

Feeling dumbfounded, Sirius sat on the sofa in the studio alone for five minutes. He ran his fingers over his lips and wondered what the fuck was happening. Was anything happening? Or was it just the same stuff that always happened between Remus and him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics in this chapter are from Harry Style’s unreleased Medicine aka what this story is named after. I did not write them. I’m also not sure if these are the correct lyrics because it is unreleased it this is from lyricsgenuis or something, I forget which. So we have to wait till the song is officially out to get those lyrics.


	5. The Book I Read

_I'm writing 'bout the_   
_Book I read_   
_I have to sing about the_   
_Book I read_   
_I'm embarrassed to admit it hit the soft spot in my heart_   
_When I found out you wrote the_   
_Book I read so_

_Take my shoulders as they touch your arms I've_   
_Got little cold chills but I feel alright The_   
_Book I read was in your eyes oh oh_

_Oh...I'm living in the future._   
_I feel wonderful._   
_I'm tipping over backwards_   
_I'm so ambitious_   
_I'm looking back I'm_   
_Running a race and you're the book I read so_

_Feel my fingers as they_   
_Touch your arms_   
_I'm spinning around but I feel alright_   
_The book I read was in your eyes_

-The Book I Read by The Talking Heads

***

They had been back in England for almost a month and Sirius had barely seen Remus. But they were texting regularly and Sirius was doing his best to be a Good Friend. He was staying at his flat in London and dealing with various technicalities that went along with his album. It included a photo shoot for the record, which was so pastel and flowery Sirius could die happy. He also did a video for Ethereal, which was going to be released as the first single They were going to release Ethereal in May. The full album was going to be released in the middle of July. Before that would be promotional interviews and various things that he was used to but he’d be doing it on his own now and on his terms. It was looking like the tour would start in December. There was still legal things that needed to be dealt with, one of which was his band members signing contracts as well as Remus signing something for his writing.

Everything official was officially getting taken care of by his producers, manager, and lawyers so he decided to spend the next month up in Liverpool at the Potter’s with his brother. He had a few months before his life got crazy again, so he was going to take advantage of the time off by spending time in his happy place. Well, St. Marie was a good happy place, so maybe the Potter’s was his comfort place. It was where he always went to hide out from his horrid parents when he needed to for extended periods of time.

His second favorite place to hide out was at the Lupin’s bookstore. After he dropped his things off at Effie and Monty’s, he went over to the bookshop to bug the Lupin men. He did love to hide in the stacks, reading books and drinking tea while Remus worked in between reading. It was cozy and warm and it smelt like Remus.

“Hello, Paul.” Lyall grinned as Sirius walked into the bookshop. He was setting up a display in the front of the store. It looked like modern books inspired by classic stories (think Bridget Jone’s Diary, On Beauty, Going Bovine).

“Hi, Lyall. John in?” Sirius leaned on the cash wrap.

“He’s in the stacks somewhere. Putting him to work before he takes off around the world with you.” He waved a hand.

“Sorry to steal him.”

Lyall went uncharacteristically soft for a moment, “I always told him that he was talented and it seems like it’s going to pay off.”

“They’re great songs. He’s a great musician too. I’m going to have a listening party in like a month or so for friends and family and the rest of the crew’s friends and family, so you’ll be able to hear for yourself soon enough.” Sirius grinned at Lyall.

“I’m looking forward to hearing it.”

“I’m going to find Moony.”

“You do that.” Lyall nodded before going back to work.

Instead of calling out for him, Sirius wandered the stacks because he found it comforting sometimes. The bookstore also seemed calm and quiet. Sirius didn’t want to disturb that today. Eventually, he did find Remus sitting in the back against the self-help shelf with a poetry book in his hand and a pen tucked behind his ear. He had his knees pulled up to his chest and was bitting at his thumb absentmindedly. He looked beautiful, just perfectly Remus at that moment. He was only missing a guitar and maybe a cup of tea. Remus looked up with a smile when he realized that Sirius was standing. “Hello, Mister Padfoot.”

“Hello, Mister Moony. Your dad said you’re working. Doesn’t look like it. Anything good?”

Remus looked back down to the page he was open to and read passionately:

“Love is like the wild rose-briar,   
Friendship like the holly-tree—   
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms   
But which will bloom most constantly? 

The wild rose-briar is sweet in spring,   
Its summer blossoms scent the air;   
Yet wait till winter comes again   
And who will call the wild-briar fair? 

Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now   
And deck thee with the holly’s sheen,   
That when December blights thy brow   
He still may leave thy garland green.”

Sirius smiled, “Love and Friendship, right? By er, which Brontë?”

“Emily,” Remus laughed and held up the small green book. It was a collection of love poems by famous women writers.

“Are you in love?” Sirius raised an eyebrow. Remus hadn’t mention falling for anyone recently but that didn’t stop the jealousy that Sirius could feel at the center of his chest. He was familiar with the particular twist of pain from when Remus dated during their teens or if he heard about it while he was touring. Remus had plenty of girlfriends and boyfriends it seemed.

“No, but that’s not really a love poem, is it? She’s talking about the rose, aka love, not sticking around when times are tough. The holly, friendship, does.”

“Then why is it in the love poem collection?” Sirius made a face of confusion.

“No clue.” Remus closed the book.

“Or maybe she was talking about how you need love and friendship for things to last in a relationship?” Sirius said hopefully after thinking for a moment about the words.

Remus shrugged, standing up. “Possibly. But our girl Em, she didn’t have a guy and died alone. She had her family though.”

“Mmm, sounds like my life.”

“You won’t die alone,” Remus rolled his eyes. “You’re far too pretty for that. What’s going on? I didn’t know you were coming home.”

“I decided that I’m just going to bum around for the next month. Maybe more. Hideout, a bit before things, take off. Did you sign your contract?”

“Yeah, I had to get a lawyer and everything. Very strange.” He smiled, walking back towards the poetry section. “But it’s all squared away. I’m glad you stopped in and didn’t forget about me.”

“I’m doing much better at being a Good Friend, aren’t I?”

“Yes, princess, you sure are.” Remus patted his cheek. “I hear we’re having a listening party in a few weeks?”

“Mmmhmm, excited?”

“It makes me a little nauseous but yes, I’m excited.” Remus stopped to put the book back on the shelf. “The tour is going to be in stadiums?”

“Yep.”

“Blimey,” Remus took a deep breath. “Well, should be fun.”

“It will be. You’ll have a great time. It’s what you always wanted. And we get to spend all that time together.”

“Lovely, we’ll make up for all the time we missed together,” Remus said, brushing past Sirius. “What are you up to today?”

“Dinner with Effie, Monty, and Reg,” Sirius said as they went to the back of the shop. “I’m going to come out to them tonight. That is if Jamie didn’t let it out already. I’m sure he has and they’re just being kind and not saying anything. But everyone I’ve come out to seems to have known that I was gay. I think you all may have known before I did even.”

“You’re probably right.” Remus scoffed as they went into the stock room. “The Potters love you unconditionally. They’ll love you through this. They loved you after you set the living room on fire that time.”

“Don’t remind me about that. My life is a series of people forgiving me.”

“Eh, most people’s lives are,” Remus assured him. “You’re not special.”

“Thanks.” Sirius gave him a little push before taking a seat in the overstuffed chair that was at the old desk filled with paperwork.

Remus was looking over invoices silently, so Sirius just stared at him sort of unabashedly. His jeans seemed too tight for someone who has such a big dick. Not that he should be thinking about it, but how could he not think about it. It was huge and perfect and he wanted it buried deep inside of him. He wanted to ask Remus if they were going to shag again someday but he got off track when he noticed a love bite on Remus’ neck. There was the jealousy still, sending anything thoughts of shagging Remus out of his head. “Uh, Remus, why do you have a love bite there?” Sirius pointed to the purplish mark on Remus.

“Oh, er, I went out the other night. I didn’t lie to you earlier. I haven’t seen anyone recently. Like dating them. Especially not enough to get sad over love poems.” Remus scoffed, touching the place on his neck. “She’s a nice girl. But, I don’t know. I was drunk and lonely.” Remus shrugged a shoulder.

“Right,” Sirius cleared his throat. “Do you want to come to dinner Friday? James and Lily will be there too. I’ll get Pete to come.” He decided that changing the subject would be the best for him.

“Yeah, I don’t think I had anything planned. I’ll be there.”

Sirius wanted to leave, even though he had planned to lounge around the bookshop for most of the day. But he didn’t want to keep looking at the love bite on Remus’ neck. Sirius wished that the jealousy would go away. Same with his crush, he wished that it would all disappear finally. But it didn’t seem like that was in his cards for him. He needed to find other places to be for now. “So, I’ll see you Friday if not before.”

“Sounds good. Don’t be a stranger. Maybe we can play through some of the songs together?”

“Yeah, sounds brilliant.” Sirius stood up, forcing a bit of a smile.

“Bye.” Remus caught his arm as he passed and kissed his cheek.

Sirius flushed before saying goodbye once more and headed out the door. As got closer to where Lyall was working on the display he stopped. He realized that he needed to tell all the parents of his close mates that he was coming out before it went public. He had no doubt they all knew, just like everyone he was close to. “I’m gay by the way.”

“Seeing as I always assumed you and my son were together, can’t say that I’m in shocked,” Lyall said without a hint of sarcasm. “Good on you coming out. We love you, we’re proud, et cetera.”

“Right…Remus and I aren’t — never were…we weren’t together.” Why did everyone think that about he and Remus?

“Sure. Thank you for telling me, I still think you’re a brat.”

“Thanks, Lyall,” He groaned inwardly and walked out of the bookshop.

Sirius walked for a bit and took a turn on to the street over. Down the way was where Hope and Ellen (Peter’s Mum) worked, as a florist. Sirius decided to stop in to continue his coming out tour. Might as well keep it going, he thought to himself.

“It’s the pop sensation, Sirius Black!” Hope chuckled, poking her head out from behind some flowers. “Hi, love.” She stood up and kissed him on the cheek. “Congratulations on finishing the album. Remus won’t stop talking about it.”

“Oh! Sirius! You’re here.” Ellen came out from the back and came over to hug him.

They chatted for a few minutes, Sirius filled them in on the album and the upcoming plans that their sons didn’t know about. “I also wanted to tell you something.”

“Yes, darling?” Ellen asked.

“Well, I’m gay.”

The two women looked at each other then laughed. Sirius tried not to roll his eyes. “Oh, finally. Thank goodness, we were getting worried about you.” Hope hugged him tightly. “We love you so much.”

“We’re so proud of you Sirius, for so many reasons,” Ellen said, now it was her turn to hug him so tight that his head nearly popped off.

Sirius wanted to ask them if they thought he and Remus were dating but decided not to because he couldn’t take it anymore. They showered him with endearments, as they usually did. He assumed that was because they were overcompensating for the shite he went through as a kid. Eventually, they let Sirius go and he went home to wait around till dinner.

When dinner came around, he was surprised to find Bill Weasley joining them. Bill and his brother got on far too well. It made him jealous. A different type of jealousy that he felt from when he looked at Remus going out with people. The Potters seemed to like Bill too, so that was important. Sirius’ parents would never have let Bill cross the threshold of their home. Not only was Bill gay but he didn’t come from a well to do family. So, it was good that they had the Potters to parade their significant others in front of for approval.

About halfway through their dinner Sirius just sighed loudly and said, “I’m gay” during a lull in the conversation. He thought before all this he’d be more elegant with it but it was just easier to spill out. Sirius always wasn’t sure how to finesse it into the conversation. It’s not as if he was worried about the people around him turning on him. Remus was always right. They always were behind Sirius no matter what.

“That’s lovely, dear.” A smile blossomed across Effie’s red lips.

“You haven’t come out to them yet? I thought you’d do it already.” Reg said.

“I know, but I haven’t… I don’t know. I came out like three more times today, so it’s fine.” He waved one hand to indicate that it was no longer any big deal.

Bill laughed, “You binge come out of the closet.”

“I guess I do.” Sirius shrugged.

“We’re so proud of you, Sirius,” Monty said and patted him on the shoulder. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No.” Sirius shook his head. Of course, this would be the first thing the Potter’s asked. Just like James they were romantic.

“I’m sure you will soon,” Effie said as if that’s what Sirius was worried about. He was worried about that but it wasn’t his prime worry.

Now though, he was out to everyone that he cared about. Next was the world, which was going to be a bit harsher because it always was. But his family and friends still loved and cared about him, so that’s what mattered. People had been speculating on if he were gay for years now, so to be able to say it was true finally was going to be good. Even if people out there hated him, there were always going to be people who hated him. At least he was loved at home.

***

A little more than a month passed, which he spent kicking around Liverpool. Most of the time he was playing music with Remus and Peter. When James and Lily weren’t working at their respective jobs, they hung out. Sometimes he would go get stoned with Remus in their old spots, neither saying much about anything. Things were going to be changing quickly soon enough. Which he was happy about, not that he was complaining. At the same time, it was nice to pretend that he was not an internationally known pop star for a bit.

The listening party was being held at the Isla Gladstone Conservatory. It was soft and filled with flowers, how Sirius wanted his album to look like. The location was a bit big for how many people he had but it was filled with sofas, armchairs, and different dining areas. There was also a small stage where he and the band were going to perform a couple of the songs live for the first time. It was his friends, family, their family, and everyone on his team were attending. It was over well over 50 people, some people he didn’t know but the Prewetts told him that they were important enough to be there.

A few of these people were the Beauxbaton Sisters, the rising singing duo that the Prewetts suggested Sirius bring on tour as his opener. He agreed because he could get lost in their songs. “Sirius, this is Emmeline and Fleur.” Fabian introduced the two woman to him. One was short with dark brown skin and icy blonde hair and the other was tall with jet black hair and pale skin. “These are the Beauxbaton Sisters.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” Sirius shook both of their hands.

“You as well, Sirius,” Fleur said with a slight French accent. She was the shorter woman. “We’re so thankful that you choose us to be your opener.”

“Your music is brilliant. The harmonies. So good.” He gushed. He had loved their EP release about two years ago and they had just put out their first full album. “Amazing!”

“Thank you. We can’t wait to hear your new music.” Emmeline said. “Fab and Gid say it’s like Bowie, Mercury, 60’s Stones, and The Beatles had a baby. With just the fairest sprinkle of pop.”

Sirius laughed, “I guess, yes it is.” He was going to ask them about their new album in more detail other than calling it amazing when his cousin, Nym tripped and fell right into Fleur. Sirius had warned her not to wear her pink pumps because she always ended up falling over herself. Then again, she’d probably manage to do that in Converse. “Oh, Nymphadora!” He bent down to help both the women up. “This is my cousin and she’s a walking disaster.”

“It’s okay,” Fleur said looking at Nym, whose hair was now a bubblegum pink. The last he saw her, it was more of a seafoam. “I love your hair.”

“Thanks,” Nym touched it and twirled a piece of her shoulder length hair between her fingers. “Yours is… blonde. Icy. Like some sort of woodland fairy. People say my name reminds them of a fairy. Probably Nymph. I don’t know. But your hair is so pretty.”

Sirius cringed a little at his cousin’s flirting but Fleur smiled at her appreciatively. Emmeline elbowed Fleur who cleared her throat. “I do like your name.”

“I picked it!” Nym said quickly. “I mean, I’m trans. So I got to… yeah, choose it. Mum helped.”

“You picked a beautiful name.”

“I rather think you sing like a fairy.”

Fleur blushed and laughed.

Sirius tried not to sigh too loudly. How could his clumsy cousin chat someone up so spectacularly bad but still succeed? She even put herself right out there with who she was. “Pads, they’re looking for you,” Remus said coming up behind him and placing a hand on his hip. The contact made him jump a little.

“Who’s they?”

“I don’t know, mostly Dorcas. But I guess the people running this thing.” Remus pointed in the direction of the stage at the front.

Sirius nodded. He was needed to say a few words before they played through the album. “Thanks.” Sirius moved away from Remus and the rest of the group to find Dorcas at the front of the room. She handed him the microphone and he gave a quick little thank you to everyone who came out to hear the album. Then he talked about how important the album was to him and how it was helping him find himself. “As many of you know I’ve been making my rounds and coming out. I guess tonight. The world is going to know because I’m sure some of you will be tweeting out that information as well as some lyrics in my songs. The album is me, completely. Of course, it would have been nothing without my team as well. I hope you enjoy it.”

There was a few loud whoops before Sirius introduced his first song, The Journey. The rest of the night was spent listening to his album and getting praise from everyone around him. He also watched Nym somehow manage to get a date with Fleur. He wished that he could be like that. Just go for what he wanted. Maybe he would have had a real boyfriend already.

“This is perfect.” James came over and hugged him. “I can’t believe you, Peter, and Remus is going to be doing this.”

“I wish you could come along.”

“Mate, I’m not even close to being a rockstar.” James took a sip of his drink. “I’m going to support you every step of the way through.”

“I know you are, you usually do.” Sirius was so thankful to have James and the rest of his mates in his life. As well as all of their families, especially the Potters. There was nothing he had achieved over the years that they all weren’t there cheering him on over. It was surreal. When he messed up, he was fully supported by everyone to pick up and fix things. Lyall, Lily, Effie, and Peter’s dad Stanley were always straight shooters and told him the raw facts. Hope, Ellen, and James were complete cheerleaders for him. Andi was strong but so kind and caring. Peter made him laugh. Nym and Reg gave him shite but loved him dearly. Remus was… well, Remus.

“To top it all off, you’re also coming out of the closet fast and furious. That’s going to be everywhere tomorrow.”

“I know, Dorcas thought it was a good idea. Once the album comes out, they’re going to notice me signing love songs about guys.” Sirius was now into tackling the rumors head-on. He was used to saying out loud that he was gay, it was really easy and didn’t make his heart race any longer.

“There are some mentions of girls too.”

“That’s all Remus’ writing. I’ll explain that all at some point I’m sure. I’m going on some BBC interview then one for some US show. But they’re going to be more in depths looks into me. Scary.”

“You’ll be fine.” James kissed him on the cheek. See, James kissed him too and put his arm around him and hugged him so it wasn’t weird that Remus did. It wasn’t something completely out of the ordinary.

“Trying to steal my boyfriend again, Black?” Lily joined them, giving Sirius a peck. See! Kisses!

“I’d rather be alone forever than marry James Potter. You can have him.” Sirius laughed.

“Glad you lot cleared that up,” Peter said as he and Remus joined them. “The Marauders are doing things, mate.”

“Big things.” Remus’ made the jazz hands motion. “Only took Sirius becoming a bloody pop sensation to do so, but whatever.” He laughed as Medicine came on. “I’m only standing over here right now because I don’t want my parents asking me if I wrote this song.”

“Who is this song about?” Peter asked.

“What’s so bad about it?” Lily raised an eyebrow.

“Just listen.” Remus made a face.

As the song ended both Lily and James looked at Remus with wide eyes. “Is that a song about a blow job?” Lily blurted.

“Sirius wanted a coming out song that involved sucking cock.”

“I never said — oh no I did say that didn’t I?” Sirius made a face. “But you did write parts of this a long time ago, so who was it?”

“Someone I messed around with a couple of times.” Remus smiled like he was thinking about his hookup then he looked at Sirius. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine, I mean, no one seems to be throwing things at me. So…” Sirius shrugged. “I’m sure all my fans will be losing their minds tomorrow.”

They were losing their minds, well it had already started because someone had sent out a tweet:

> _Heard it here folks, Sirius Black is gay. His album (it's AMAZING) seems to be a love letter to someone as well._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I mentioning Emily Brontë twice in this story? I don’t know. I really means nothing so don’t look to far into that. Sirius is not going to be dying alone at 30. No one is dying in this story. This is a happy story, I swear.
> 
> Fleur and Emmeline’ act is very Lucius in my brain.


	6. For A Very Long Time

_What if nature is just numbers_  
_You and I repetition_  
 _Are we free or just brought out again?_  
 _I will get through these days_  
 _Give me the spring and some summer_  
 _And then, will I still think of you_  
 _All the time?_  
-For A Very Long Time by Tallest Man on Earth

***

_Sirius Black’s album is a breakout! It’s not just for Avenue fans either. There’s something very mature about this music that makes Black sound as if he’s from another decade. From the upbeat tunes of Ethereal and Medicine to the coming of age Poppy to the achingly beautiful ballad Tree Tops, Black hits it out of the park. — Rolling Stone_

_Sirius Black’s self-titled album is a far cry from the pop tunes of The Avenue. Black wrote or co-wrote all of the songs on the album, most of them with his childhood friend Remus Lupin. Except for Poppy and The Journey, which are love letters to his childhood and Gracie (a break-up song written by Lupin) the album reads like a love letter for a mystery man. Black has yet to answer who that person is. — Pitchfork_

_We’re calling it the gayest rock album ever. Sirius Black’s release has propelled him into gay icon status. Not only is it gay, but it is also good. Stream it, buy it, get tickets to the tour!— Out Magazine_

_Black’s album gives us a look at his true talent, which was always evident but somewhat hidden with The Avenue. It’s far more lyrically strong than one would except as well. The backing band isn’t half bad either. — NPR_

***

Sirius was on cloud nine. His album was at the top of the charts. Ethereal had reached number 1 for his first single. All the reviews were positive and there was no one bashing his record outside of homophobes, especially the Christians who kept telling him he was going to go to hell. People were interested in who the album was about. Sirius was confused because he hadn’t realized it sounded like it was for someone because all the songs were written separately. He was just writing songs, most of which were started by Remus. Remus was always good at sparking something creative in his brain.

After the release of the album, Sirius did promotional interviews, photoshoots, and a handful of live performances. The band didn’t go on the interviews, which Sirius was jealous over. But they were considered just the backing band. Not that Sirius thought they were “just” anything, others did though. His friends didn’t care. They enjoyed not being the ones that were in the limelight. It let them lay low a bit more. Sirius was used to interviews and cameras being in his face. There are so many with The Avenue. Things were a bit easier now that he was on his own. The hyper attention seemed to be toned down a bit from the media circus that used to follow him. He also seemed to have more control over how things were going.

They were going to start their tour in London before making their way through Europe, Asia, Australia, South America, and North America. He had five months of touring ahead of him but he was excited, he loved playing live shows, and he was now going to be doing it with two of his best mates as well as Mary and Marlene who he’d grown close to lately. Bill was also back to do sound for the tour, meaning Regulus was going to be joining them enthusiastically. Also, Tonks seemed to be dating Fleur, so he was sure that he’d be seeing his cousin around whenever her studies let her.

To top off the romance, Marlene and Dorcas were definitely sleeping together. Sirius wanted to hate everyone who seemed to be finding love. He was still trying to get over Remus. There were a few times that he thought of telling Remus how he felt but each time he would look at Remus, go to open his mouth, and he’d suggest daft or say something else like: I left my coat outside, do you have any more picks, could you roll me a joint because you do it best, that’s a nice sweater, and I think I should get a dog. He was a bloody coward, even though he was able to come out to the world, he still couldn’t tell his best mate that he loved him.

“Excited for tonight?” Regulus asked as they drove over to the Potters. All of he friends, their parents, and his band were going to be there to celebrate them going off on tour the following day. It was like when he went off with The Avenue, but better. Maybe it would give him a push to finally talk to Remus. Not that that day has come in the years that he’s had this crush.

“Of course, I’m always happy to be with my friends and family.”

“Going to tell Remus you love him?”

“Regulus, you’ve been doing so well not to bother me about this.” Sirius sighed as he turned on to the Potter’s road.

“You’re good with going on a months-long tour with the man you love? You’re okay to watch him possibly hook up with other people while you’re out on tour?” Reg pressed the subject further.

“I’ll be fine.” He wouldn’t be fine, he’d probably be heartbroken but he wouldn’t say anything about it.

Regulus sighed dramatically, “You’re so daft.”

“Why am I daft for not wanting to ruin my friendship with Remus? I should be thankful he’s even my friend after how I pretty much ignored him while I was on tour with The Avenue.”

“Don’t you think he might feel the same way about you? Maybe that’s why he’s forgiven you over and over again.”

“Remus is self-confident and straightforward. Well, straightforward when he isn't sarcastic. There’s no way that man could fancy me and not have said a word. We’ve hooked up, and he would have said something either of those times.” Sirius pulled his car into the large drive of the Potter’s.

“Either? Wasn’t there just the one snog?”

“Ah, yeah, either.” He turned the car off. “I — we… ugh, we hooked up when we were on St. Marie.”

“Sirius! You fucking idiot!” Regulus hit his head on the headrest a bit too hard. Sirius worried that his brother gave himself a concussion. “You don’t just hook up with your close friends unless if it means something.”

“Why didn’t he say something to me?”

“Bleeding hell,” Regulus swore. “I can’t do this with you.”

Sirius furrowed his brow. He didn’t understand what his brother meant about not being able to do this with him. It’s not as if it affected him in any way. He wasn’t the one who was pretending not to be in love with someone who he had wanted for ages. Regulus was in a happy relationship with his hot ginger boyfriend. They were probably going to end up married after the tour at this rate.

Without another word, Regulus got out of the car and Sirius followed him into the house. No one was there yet except for Effie and Monty. Sirius waited impatiently but soon enough the house was full of people so he didn’t have to look at his brother glaring at him. The party was fun and a great way to blow off any type of anxiety that he was having about the tour. He wasn’t scared to perform but he did have those jitters, the same ones you get before the first day of school every year.

By the end of the night, Sirius was feeling good. He wasn’t too pissed, but he was feeling good enough to end up outside alone with Remus for a cigarette. Sirius didn’t smoke, okay he did smoke weed but that wasn’t too often. But he had a voice and vocal chords to worry about, so he didn’t make it a habit. And yeah, he had a cigarette once in a blue moon. Tonight was that blue moon. No, it wasn’t really out of want of a cigarette, he just wanted to be alone with Remus for a few minutes because that was usually his motive.

“What’s it like, playing on a stage with that many people listening to you?”

“It’s— electric. Overwhelming, but amazing.” Sirius shrugged. “Don’t worry. They’ll all be looking at me.”

“Because you’re pretty.” Remus laughed.

“Basically.” Sirius took a drag of his cigarette. “These are horrible. You should quit.”

“I should?” Remus raised an eyebrow. “You’re not convincing when you’re smoking as well. It’s a bit hypocritical.”

“Kisses don’t taste good when you’re kissing after you smoke. You taste like an ashtray. And cancer. There’s cancer. I don’t fancy you dying quite yet. You should stay around.” Sirius looked to his feet, hoping Remus didn’t think that Sirius was thinking about kissing him.

Sirius saw Remus’ cigarette fall to the ground then he stomped it out. A second after he stepped closer to Sirius, placing his hand on his waist. The other came up to his chin to lift it up. “I’ll quit. I don’t fancy dying quite yet either. That’s an excellent second reason.” Remus smiled.

“So, your first reason is that you don’t want to take like an ashtray.”

“Of course, I’m secretly vain, don’t you know? Everyone thinks that you’re the vain and dramatic one, but we know the truth.” Remus dropped the hand that was under Sirius’ chin to his waist. He smiled in a way that Sirius wanted to kiss him. He probably would have too if the door to the garden opened.

Remus stepped back, heading towards the door. “Andi.”

“Hi…” Andromeda looked between the two suspiciously. “I’m leaving, so, ah, bye. I’m exhausted and we have a long day tomorrow. A long day of me having to listen to Nym about her new girlfriend and Ted about how much he hates the traffic in London.”

“Yeah, long day. Bye Andi, see you tomorrow.” Remus hugged her before going back inside, leaving Sirius with his cousin.

“What was that?” Andromeda pointed behind her as the door shut.

“What?” Sirius raised an eyebrow, trying his best to play daft. Not that he was sure what it was, so he didn’t have to play at anything.

“Were you just kissing him?”

“No,” Sirius scoffed. He wasn’t lying because they did not kiss. They were just standing close together. It was innocent. “You need glasses. You’re getting old.” Sirius dropped his cigarette.

“Right, okay. Look, I don’t like meddling in relationships that aren’t mine or giving advice where it will probably fall on deaf ears but, Sirius, people don’t look at each other like that if they don’t love each other.” Andi frowned. “You took one step to be your true self. It’s time to take another.”

“Sure,” Sirius pretending that he didn’t know what she was talking about. Plus, there wasn’t anything different in Remus’ eyes that haven’t been there for his whole life. Right? Or was he purposely not seeing that something? At the same time he didn’t want to see something that wasn’t there.

“You’re going to be amazing tomorrow, Sirius. I can’t wait.” She said after a minute, going to hug him. “Oh and no more smoking.”

He laughed, “Yeah, no more.” He followed Andromeda inside to say goodbye to Ted and Nymphadora. Remus had gone off somewhere it seemed because Sirius couldn’t find him where everyone else was milling about. In the end, he heard that he had left with Mary, stirring that old jealousy in his chest again. Which was stupid because he didn’t think that Mary would do that with Remus. She seemed to believe that they liked each other. He hated his brain sometimes.

***

Sirius stood in the middle of the stage at the O2 Arena in London looking over the empty seats and smiled. They were doing soundcheck before the show and Dorcas was yelling at someone about something. Remus was playing the tune of Star Shine while they waited for everyone to say they were good to go. “The stars are nothing without you,” Remus sung to himself as Sirius moved closer to him. “You’re the only one I see most nights.”

“Someone asked me if that was about myself, you know?” Sirius snorted a laugh as Remus made a funny face.

“What’d you say?”

“I said, one, I’m not that narcissistic and two, it was about some pretty girl you were seeing.”

“Well, you are that narcissistic so I can understand why they asked.”

“Fuck off,” Sirius flipped him off.

“It wasn’t for a pretty girl I saw either,” Remus said before he went back to playing and singing as Dorcas came on to the stage.

“Everything feel good?” She pushed her braids to one side.

“Yes,” Sirius said as Peter began to check the drums.

“Sounding good?”

“Yes.”

“Voice good?”

“Yes, Dorcas. Are you nervous?” Sirius raised an eyebrow at his manager. She was never nervous. Sirius thought the woman could perform open heart surgery while defusing a bomb while singing Les Miserable all the way through without breaking a sweat.

“No!” She shot him a look. “I am not nervous. I’m just, you’re my first real client, right? I want to make sure it all goes right. I’m a woman who is black and queer. I need to be perfect, right?”

“You’re brilliant and doing everything perfectly — always. This tour is going to be great. The team is great. You’re going to go down as the best manager in music history. Who also shags my bassist.” Sirius grinned and Dorcas just shook her head. “If you need anything, let me know.”

About forty minutes later, Sirius was in the tour bus, relaxing on the sofa. No one else was around. Marlene, Dorcas, and Remus went to get dinner. He wasn’t sure where everyone else was, but that was okay because he wanted some alone time before the show started. He stretched out on the sofa and let out a long sigh. He had never performed on a stadium stage where it was just about him, and him only. Yes, he’d been doing promo things but this was a bit different, wasn’t it? But he was meant to be on the stage. He knew it even when he was a kid. He didn’t have anything to worry about.

“You’re far more relaxed than I thought you’d be,” Mary said, coming onto the bus.

“Mmm.”

“Did you talk to Remus? Is that why you’re like this?” She sat across from him.

“What?”

“I don’t know. I thought maybe something happened.”

“Mary, has Remus ever told you that he — he fancies me?” Sirius asked, his cheeks heating up.

She raised an eyebrow.

“It’s just, you’re close. You’re mates. It’s either that our you’re shagging and I don’t think that you’re shagging.”

“I’m not going to tell you either way. If he did, he did, if he didn’t, he didn’t.” She smiled mysteriously. “This is something you need to do on your own, Sirius Black. Either get your man or get your heart broken so he can finally move on.”

“How is my heartbreaking going to fix things? Can’t I just… not have my heart broken?” Sirius frowned, sitting up.

“Sometimes you need to get hurt to grow.”

“I’ve been hurt enough in my life.” Sirius shook his head.

Mary gave him a sad smile. “Even if he doesn’t like you, I don’t think Remus would hurt you.”

“Him not liking me would hurt.” Sirius realized that he hadn’t talked to Mary about fancying Remus before. How did she make him so calm? She was a witch. “You can’t tell him we talked about it.”

“I wouldn’t. Are you hungry?”

Sirius was glad that she seemed more concerned with food than with worrying about his relationship. He couldn’t really eat with the pre-show butterflies in his stomach, so he just picked at a sandwich was Mary ordered for him. Trying to push his feeling for Remus down again, he went on with the night.

The cure for taking his mind off of things seemed to be going on stage and playing his heart out. It was so good to have the band backing him and he was able to do what he wanted. The fans seemed so receptive of him too. There were about a million rainbow flags in the audience, which happened to match his glittery rainbow boots. Sirius was miles and miles away from his time with The Avenue that night. He even got to play his instrument. He never had so much fun on stage, and his band played so well.

After the show, they went out to celebrate with the band and crew. Sirius couldn’t remember how he ended up in the elevator alone with Remus but he was because he always managed to find himself with Remus alone. “I’m always alone with you,” Sirius said out loud because he couldn’t keep the thoughts in his head, it seemed. He squinted at him a little. Things were very fuzzy.

“We are, aren’t we?” Remus said, pressing a button. The guitarist seemed not to be drunk at all, which was slightly unfair.

“It’s like we’re always meant to be together.”

“How’d you get so pissed?” He asked, putting an arm around Sirius’ waist. It was probably there so Sirius didn’t fall and face plant but Sirius wished that it was because Remus just wanted to hold him.

“I didn’t eat dinner.” Sirius leaned into Remus. “The sandwich looked good.”

“Oh, that’s a rookie mistake. You’re not a rookie drinker, you should know better. We’ve been doing this for ages now.”

“I was nerrrrrvous.” He drawled out as the elevator doors opened. “But I didn’t want to admit it. There’s a lot of things I don’t admit.”

“Mmm.” Remus didn’t press what else he didn’t admit.

“Like how—“

“Please don’t talk about what you don’t want to admit while you’re drunk.” Remus practically dragged Sirius inside the room. “If you want to tell me things, I’d like you to tell me when you’re sober.”

“It’s hard,” Sirius said as Remus sat him down on the bed.

“Then go to therapy,” Remus suggested this wasn’t the first time Remus told him to do that. “Please, go to therapy.”

“Can’t I just tell you one thing?”

“No.” Remus laughed before grabbing the glass that Sirius had on his nightstand. “Water,” Remus said before disappearing.

Sirius flopped back on to the bed and blew a raspberry. He was so dizzy. He never liked being this drunk and usually did a good job to not get past the point of being happily drunk. He could get fairly wasted without this happening, so apparently it had to do with the fact he didn’t eat. Sirius hated being spinny drunk. But he felt like he needed to let go completely tonight after the show.

“Here. Take your shoes off, sleep on your side. Please don’t be some tragic musician story about how they died from suffocating on their own vomit.” Remus said, putting the glass by his bed. “You have a show tomorrow night, too you know? Back to back shows at the O2 because you’re so bloody popular.”

“I know,” Sirius said as Remus went to go pull his boots off. “My boots are rainbow.”

“I know.” Remus laughed, tossing them aside. “They’re very nice. You’re very gay. It’s very great.”

“Will you stay here?” Sirius pouted like a child who didn’t want to go to sleep yet.

Remus looked towards the door with a loud sigh, “Yeah, okay.” He said.

Sirius closed his eyes and gave the thumbs up. He passed right out, which was a pity because he was hoping to at least get a cuddle out of Remus.

When he woke up the next morning, Remus was pulling his shirt on and looking for his shoes, “Good, you’re alive.” The taller man laughed. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Like death warmed over.”

“You look it. Drink the water on your nightstand, take a nap, shower, and then we’ll get breakfast.” Remus picked his shoes up off the floor.

“Thanks for staying.”

“You passed right out. I thought you were going to spill your deepest, darkest secrets to me.” He said, leaning against the wall near the bed.

“I thought you didn’t want to hear them when I was drunk.”

“Oh good, you remember that,” Remus said cheerfully. “I didn’t want to hear anything about it. I was kidding. I did stay just to make sure you were okay. You didn’t puke.”

Sirius’ stomach turned, “I don’t think that’s going to last long.”

“Need me?”

“No, go do whatever is you need to do.”

Remus lingered for a moment then nodded, “Call or text if you need me.” He smiled before leaving Sirius alone in his room.

Sirius covered his face with his hands and groaned. He hated how he couldn’t talk about his feelings for Remus. It was driving him mad. Remus was right. He needed to go to therapy. He needed to talk to someone with no connection to his life. Maybe he could work things out a bit better. He knew that it all boiled down to his childhood. But he needed to find a way to let that all go for him to be able to move on. Maybe he could get a boyfriend. Or even tell Remus how he felt.


	7. Let's Spend the Night Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead.

_You know I'm smiling baby_   
_You need some guiding baby_   
_I'm just deciding baby, now_   
_I need you more than ever_   
_Let's spend the night together_   
_Let's spend the night together now_

_This doesn't happen to me everyday (oh my)_   
_Let's spend the night together_   
_No excuses offered anyway (oh my)_   
_Let's spend the night together_   
_I'll satisfy your every need (your every need)_   
_And I now know you will satisfy me_   
_Oh my, my, my, my, my_   
_Let's spend the night together_   
_Now I need you more than ever_   
_Let's spend the night together now (oh my my my my my my)_

-Let’s Spend the Night Together by The Rolling Stones

***

Sirius was bored. So, so, so bloody bored that he couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t go out because fans were mobbing his hotel in Tokyo. They had been on tour for two months and even though some of his fans were very… loyal… this was the first time that he couldn’t leave where he was and enjoy the city just a little during his downtime. The rest of his bandmates and some of the crew were out having a grand old time according to his Instagram and Snapchat stories. Except for Remus, he was in his room napping because he had a migraine. Not that he was happy the other man was in pain but at least he wasn’t the only one who was stuck inside.

Since the night he got drunk and tried to tell Remus he fancied him, Sirius began therapy via Skype. It was nice to talk to another person about all the shite that had happened to him growing up. The physical and emotional abuse was a lot. He did try his best to make sure he got the brunt of it so make sure Reg didn’t have to deal with it. Getting emancipated when he was 16 with the help of the Potters probably saved him from a lot more pain. Plus, it helped him be free enough to get on the X Factor. Sometimes he thought what his life would be like if he stayed under his parent’s thumbs. He didn’t like it.

But the therapy was good, Remus was right that it was helpful. They were mostly talking about his old wounds but recently they talked about Remus. He had always known that part of the reason he held back from telling Remus he loved him was because his parents hurt him. He was just protecting himself from getting damaged more. Unlike everyone else, his therapist encouraged him to take his time. She suggested that he talk to Remus more about his past. Remus knew vaguely about the things that happened in Sirius’ childhood but he never got into detail. So he had talked to him a bit, Remus cried at one point, which shocked Sirius.

Outside of his therapy, other interesting things were going on in his life. The tour had officially sold out and they added one more night in LA due to high demand. Remus had quit smoking, much to Sirius’ delight even though they hadn’t snogged for a very long time. Regulus was accepted into Oxford to study for his Masters in Fine Arts. Dorcas and Marlene were taking a break from one another, but there were no hard feelings. Tonks was going to be joining them for the last month of the tour to spend time with Fleur. Overall, things were generally good. Except for Sirius being bored out of his mind at the hotel.

After a shower, Sirius went across the hall and knocked on Remus’ door because he didn’t feel like sitting alone. He mostly was checking to see if he was okay but he also wanted to spend some time with Remus. Lately, Sirius felt like there was always someone else with them. But Remus was alone when he opened his door, “Hey Pads, what’s going on?”

“How’s the head?” Sirius pushed passed him to come into the room.

“Bit better,” Remus said.

“Would you be up to watching a movie?”

“Yeah, I need to use the loo but see if you can find someone on the telly.”

Sirius moved into the room and sat down on the bed as he heard the door shut. He knew there wasn’t anything on the telly. He had checked before he went to shower. So he opened Remus’ laptop and typed in the password: 6p335b66r5p. Which looked like nonsense but was some of the tabs for the solo in The Kink’s “You Really Got Me”. It was the first song Remus mastered on guitar, and since he had always used it as a password. Sirius was happy to see that he didn’t change it. When the computer unlocked the browser was open to some porn site, especially a video of a very pretty man getting his mouth fucked.

“I am feeling a cheesy rom-com I think,” Remus said as he came out of the bathroom. When he saw Sirius grinning at him over his laptop, he blushed a deep red. “You remember my password.”

“You haven’t changed it in years. Moony, porn, how unpure.”

“Bugger off.” Remus grabbed the laptop and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Not like it’s anything you haven’t seen before. Or done before for that matter.”

Sirius smirked, “What were you doing in the bathroom?”

“Splashing cold water on my face because you picked a horrid time to check in on me.” Remus clicked out of the browser and shut his laptop. “I said check the telly.”

“Well, I know there’s nothing on there. There’s plenty on your laptop. I mean, that movie you were watching looked interesting. I’m sure there was a lot of plot behind it.” Sirius bit his lip but couldn’t help the laugh that escaped.

Remus just glared at him.

“Are you lonely, Moony?” Sirius frowned. “Do you need to talk about it?”

“Go fuck yourself.” Remus rolled his eyes, keeping his eyes straight ahead at the TV that was turned off.

“I’d rather you fuck me,” Sirius said because his brain wasn’t working it seemed. That connection between his mouth and thoughts had short-circuited. He covered his mouth with both hands and closed his eyes.

It was now Remus’ turn to laugh, “Really?” He prodded Sirius’ side with his finger.

After a moment he reasoned, “Well, we’re both horny and alone. We’ve done it before.” Sirius kicked himself because this would have been a great time to tell Remus how much he loved him.

“Okay, sure.” Remus shrugged. “You’ve been thinking about my cock, haven’t you?”

“It’s perfect!” Sirius practically squeaked as Remus moved closer to him.

Remus chuckled before pressing his lips to Sirius’. Sirius didn’t feel prepared for the kiss because he was suddenly breathless. He couldn’t let himself slip into how he was like when they had hooked up on St. Marie. He really, really, really wanted to remember every moment of this. So, he tried his best to focus by straddling Remus and taking a bit of the control. “I want you, inside me, just like this.” He said breathlessly before attacking Remus’ neck with kisses. He worked his way up to Remus’ earlobe before the other man spoke.

“It’ll be difficult with clothes on,” Remus said, his hands tugging at the hem of Sirius’ shirt.

“I’m being serious.”

“You always are.” Remus laughed before going to pull Sirius shirt off.

“It’s not nice to laugh and make name puns during sex.” He said as Remus tossed his tee shirt aside.

“I don’t know who you’re fucking but they sound like no fun.” He took his shirt off and discarded it on the floor as well.

“Really?” Sirius furrowed his brow as Remus’ hands drifted down his body from chest to his hips, leaving a path of goosebumps in their wake.

“You’re not fucking anyone good. Sex isn’t always serious — no name pun intended. The two best things in the world are laughing and sex, right? Why can’t they belong together sometimes?”

Sirius had never really considered that before. He didn’t know if it was because he didn’t know the other person or if he just assumed sex was always supposed to be serious. He couldn’t think too long on it as Remus’ hand slipped into his sweatpants. “You’re not wearing pants. Did you think you were going to get lucky?” Remus paused the kisses that he was pasting across his chest to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

“No! I swear, I didn’t come over to shag—“

“Okay,” Remus chuckled, going to kiss Sirius on the lips, nibbling a bit at his bottom lip. His hand wrapped around the base of his cock and gave it a few strokes as they continued to kiss. If Sirius weren’t so keen on sex, he would have been happy just to kiss Remus. There was something nice about his kisses. They felt like he knew precisely how Sirius wanted to be kissed. Sweet and deep. Just the right mouth of teeth and tongue.

“You just showered?”

“Mmmhmm,” Sirius answered as he pushed Remus to lie back.

“You smell good,” Remus said before Sirius kissed him. His hand found its way into Remus’ shorts, struggling a bit with the button and zip. Once he was able to make his hand function properly, he wrapped his hand around Remus’ beautiful cock and the other man let out a little groan.

After a few more kisses, Sirius moved down Remus’ body. He left a trail of open mouth kisses down the man’s torso, stopping for a moment at his nipples. He teased them before continuing his movement down. Once he could, he got Remus’ shorts and pants off before settling in between Remus’ legs. He was looking at Remus’ cock, which was laying on his stomach thick, long, and semi-hard. Sirius kissed his lower abdomen around Remus’ cock before moving lower to lick Remus’ balls. He licked up Remus’ thick cock then back down again, repeating the action once more with his lips before he took Remus into his mouth. He swallowed as much of Remus down as he could then he drew his head back up.

Sirius continued with his blowjob until Remus told him to stop, “If you want me to fuck you right now, you need to stop.” So he listened, moving back up to Remus’ mouth to kiss him. “I’m going to find lube and condoms. Get your sweatpants off then get on your hands and knees.” Remus whispered and Sirius didn’t take long to listen as Remus got off the bed to get to his luggage.

Somewhere in his brain, he thought he should be embarrassed with his arse in the air for Remus but he wasn’t. This was years of fantasy coming true. Before he could get too lost in his head, Remus gave him a sharp slap on his right cheek before leaning forward and kissing the same spot. Sirius nearly jumped when he felt Remus’ tongue against his hole. He was pleased that he had a good shower earlier. “Ohh,” Sirius moaned then buried his face in the pillow in front of him because he was just slightly embarrassed at where Remus' tongue was.

Soon enough he got over the embarrassment and completely gave over to the pleasure of what Remus was doing with his tongue. Then he added a finger, which was lubed and Sirius was enjoying the pleasure so much that he didn’t even feel or hear him opening the tube of lube. Remus pressed another finger in, causing Sirius to hold tight to the duvet cover. He moved his hips back towards Remus then forward a little a few times, fucking himself with the long digits. Remus bent his fingers just slightly and grazed over Sirius’ prostate. “Can you please just fuck me now?” He pleaded once his brain was working again after the quick rush of pleasure.

“You’re not ready,” Remus said, Sirius was sure the other man was rolling his eyes because of the tone of his voice.

Sirius was about to let out a frustrated noise in reply, but Remus’ mouth was now around his cock as his two fingers worked in and out of him. It felt like forever, but eventually, Remus seemed satisfied enough to stop. It was either that, or he thought Sirius was going to come. Sirius couldn’t tell because he was too blissed out of his mind to even wonder which for too long. “How do you want it?”

“Er, like I said.” Sirius sat back and Remus wrapped his arm around him so his chest was against Sirius’ back. His cock was pressed right up against his arse so Sirius rolled his hips a few times.

“Okay,” Remus’ lips found his once more for a long, passionate kiss.

When Remus pulled back, he moved so he was sitting up against the headboard. Sirius grabbed the lube and the condom that were near his thigh. Sirius moved so he was straddling Remus’ thighs but he was sitting back on his knees as he opened the condom. He rolled it on while kissing Remus. As he did that, the other man’s hand moved to his arse to press his fingers into him again. Sirius moaned against Remus' mouth, enjoying it for a few moments. He had to stop for a second to collect himself in order to get the lube.

Once he was ready, Sirius moved so he could kneel over Remus’ cock, which was being held by one of his hands. He pressed the head of the cock against himself and tried his best to relax. Slowly, he took Remus’ thick cock. It hurt just a little, but he was happy that Remus made him wait earlier. Soon enough he was sitting on Remus' thighs. “You okay?” Remus asked, taking Sirius into his hand and giving his cock a few strokes.

“Yeah, shite, you’re really big.”

“You keep saying that.” Remus laughed before moving both of his hands to Sirius’ arse, taking one cheek in each hand. “You feel so good.”

Sirius put his head on Remus’ shoulder and collected himself for a moment. He couldn’t just sit there with Remus inside him all night. So he took a deep breath and began to move his hips. He couldn’t stop kissing Remus as he rode the other man’s cock. He started slow but soon enough the pace picked up. Eventually, he wasn’t even sure if there was a pace when he found just the perfect angle. Remus wrapped his hand around Sirius once more and he knew that it was all over. “Come on, come for me.” The other man whispered his lips again.

He fucked himself harder as Remus stroked him and met his movements with upward thrusts. Sirius knew he wasn’t going to last much longer when Remus’ free hand reach up and pull the hair at the base of his head and his mouth moved to a sensitive spot on his neck. “Yes, fuck, Remus,” He moaned, feeling the orgasm pooling in his groin. Once more down on Remus’ cock and he was done, coming across Remus’ chest as the other man continued to jerk him off.

Leaning heavily against Remus, he rode out his orgasm that seemed to come with little aftershock waves. “Shite.”

“Let me—” Remus went to pull out of him.

“No, just fuck me. Go ahead.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t, go ahead,” Sirius said.

Remus pulled out anyway but in a second Sirius was flat on his back. He was almost sad that he didn’t come like that as Remus lifted up his legs from under his knees. He put them on either side of his hips before sinking back into Sirius. Sirius was delighted when Remus snapped his hips forward, driving into him. He held on to Remus’ shoulders as the other man fucked him until he came. Sirius tried to burn the look on Remus’ face, the feeling of him inside of him, the smell of sweat and come in the room, and the way the Remus' muscles flexed into his brain but he was so overcome with pleasure that he was sure he’d miss something.

“Shite.” Sirius put a hand over his eyes as Remus pulled out of him, leaving him feeling a bit empty. “If you kept going I think I could have come again.”

“You okay?” Remus said breathlessly.

“Amazing.” Sirius looked at him but his back was to him as he was throwing the condom in the wastebasket.

Remus shrugged his shoulders, “I need to clean up.”

By the time Remus came back to bed, Sirius had drifted off to a nap.

Later that night, he left Remus’ room so it didn’t look like he had spent the night there in case anyone was looking for him. Of course, at the moment he left the room Bill and Regulus turned the corner and looked at him in surprise. “You look…” Regulus trailed off.

“Well fucked.” Bill supplied with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m not,” Sirius said, starting to walk. He hoped he wasn’t walking funny because he felt like he was. Remus had done an excellent job of giving him what he wanted. Twice. Yes, twice, because after the nap they shagged again.

“Says the man who can’t walk right,” Regulus said, as he and Bill caught up to him. “You and Remus?”

“I was just talking to Remus. About the wonderful shag, I had earlier. Thank you very much.” He glared at his brother.

“You’re a lying liar who can’t bloody lie right,” Regulus whispered. “Are you two finally together?”

“We didn’t shag, so no!” Sirius whisper yelled at his brother.

“Okay,” Bill said calmly as he got to Reg’s room. “Have a good night, Sirius.”

“He already did,” Regulus muttered, reaching for the key in his pocket. “You’re such a moron.”

Sirius went to his room, not wanting to listen to his brother any longer. He didn’t understand why Regulus cared so much about what he did with Remus. It was as if it affected him. It didn’t because there was no reason that it should. Regulus wasn’t bothered anyway by what his relationship with Remus was. It shouldn’t have mattered.

The next morning the band had breakfast in Sirius’ suite, and Regulus joined them too. Remus acted as if he wasn’t the reason Sirius was walking a bit funny. He was saying that he pulled his hamstring while doing yoga. No one said anything to make things seem like life was now different since Sirius and Remus slept together. Mary only commented how Sirius’ vibe was different, which wasn’t something uncommon for her to say. Regulus didn’t even give him any knowing looks. Life was just… normal.

He wished that it wasn’t but it terrified him to make himself emotionally vulnerable to Remus. Sex was different from love. It took a different kind of confidence to get that.

***

A month or so later, Sirius still had not proclaimed his love to Remus. They hadn’t even touched one another since the night in Tokyo. Remus felt oddly distant. Not that he was acting strange, he was still sarcastic and witty as ever and was sweet at times to Sirius. He wasn’t touching Sirius like he used to. There were no hands on his waist or hips randomly. No pats on his back or legs. It was like he finally shagged Sirius and he didn’t need to touch him any longer. That made Sirius’ heartache if he thought about it too much. He couldn’t even bring it up in his therapy Skype calls because he didn’t want to hear what anyone else had to say about it.

Sirius was sitting in his bed watching Queer Eye while Dorcas was doing something official for him. He couldn’t care. His heart was busy soaring as the episode came to an end. “Are you crying? It’s a bloody show.” She looked up from her laptop.

“It’s so nice. Warms the cockles of my cold, dead, unloved heart. You know, I read the Antoni was in love with his best mate.” Sirius said to Dorcas, hugging his pillow after wiping away a tear that escaped. “Wonder if he has any advice of just how to get on with it.”

“Ha, you want me to set it up so you’re on their show? That’d be great. You don’t have fashion issues and your flat is nice and clean, nicely decorated. You eat well enough. You have great hair too. You’re only a disaster romantically.”

“God no. I don’t want to be on the show.” Sirius scoffed. “But I feel like these blokes could give me some great advice.”

At that moment Sirius didn’t realize that he was going to get his wish because Dorcas was the greatest manager anyone could ask for. Even if she was going to be doing what she did to meddle in his private life. But Sirius needed it.


	8. I Wanna Be Yours

_Secrets I have held in my heart_   
_Are harder to hide than I thought_   
_Maybe I just wanna be yours_   
_I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours_   
_Wanna be yours, wanna be yours, wanna be yours_

_Let me be your 'leccy meter and I'll never run out_   
_And let me be the portable heater that you'll get cold without_   
_I wanna be your setting lotion (I wanna be)_   
_Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?)_   
_At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean_   
_I wanna be yours_

-I Wanna Be Yours by The Arctic Monkeys

***

It now had been three months since Sirius and Remus spent the night together in Tokyo. Neither of them spoke about it. They just sort of forgot it. Well, he pretended to forget about it while it seemed like Remus forgot about it. Remus was keeping his distance. There was not a lot of what usually Sirius thought of as incidental touches. If Remus did want to fuck Sirius and that was why he was so tactile in the past, he got what he wanted. Sirius, on the other hand, didn’t even have close to what he wanted. He was still boyfriendless and helplessly in love with his best mate. Mary commented on his vibe, saying that he was sad and needed someone to love him. Not that he was going ever to get that.

At least the tour had been going well. All the shows sold out and his fans seemed to be happy, which mattered. Critics were also giving him endless praise. There were only a few people who seemed to dislike him and it was because of his sexual orientation. If people talked shite about his album it was okay but when they added, ‘all the songs don’t need to be about blokes’ just screamed homophobia. All the songs in the world song by men for women or the other way around? Did anyone ever complain about that? No. So apparently they disliked him for being gay and just thought they were clever. It didn’t matter though because Ethereal was platinum and Star Shine was gold.

Sirius was surrounded by good people to top it all off. Good people who all seemed to be ridiculously in love though. Dorcas and Marlene were back on again. Regulus and Bill were going strong, Sirius suspected they were going to be moving into a place together near Oxford when they got back. Tonks and Fleur seemed happy together. James and Lily had announced their engagement. It was sickening and he wanted to hate them all but he was so happy for them. He just wished that he could share in some of that feeling of being in love with someone who loved him back.

The last two shows of the tour were coming up fast so everyone from home that he cared about was in LA with him. All of them in all their loved-up glory. Sirius had some other promotional things to take care of in his downtime so he couldn’t stay with them the whole day they were first out in LA but they made plans for lunch in his suite in between things.

One event that he was looking forward to was a panel discussing life as a gay man with the Fab Five from Queer Eye. The tickets were auctioned off to help fund the Trevor Project and Sirius couldn’t wait to sit down with the men for a good cause. He watched each episode twice and cried each time. He wanted them to fix his whole life but he didn’t want to do it all in front of the camera.

When they were about thirty minutes into the forty-five-minute discussion Antoni was talking about finding his identity, “It just dawned on me I was in love with my best friend six months ago. I didn’t realize it at the time and it’s something that I only kind of came to appreciate and understand now. My early twenties, I was an international disaster. I didn’t know myself and I was listening to music that would try to appease the existential angst. But, I went through it and I’m here today. So, I’m fine.”

“You know, I feel that deep in my soul,” Sirius said before thinking about the implications of what he just said. He too loved his best friend, was an international disaster and listened to music to appease his existential angst as he struggled with who he was.

“You’re doing better as well, I hope. You don’t seem like you’re an international disaster.” Antoni made a face.

“Oh yes, much better,” Sirius said, hoping they were going to skip over the fact that he said he was in love with his best mate.

“So, you’re in love with your best mate?” Tan raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, girl, tell me it’s the cute tall man who plays guitar in your band.” Jonathan grinned and leaned forward.

“I — I meant… I was an international disaster in my teens and at the start of my twenties and the music thing.” Sirius said and the five men were looking at him like they could see into his soul. “God, fuck it, yes, I realized I was in love with my best mate. And yes, it’s the guitarist. But like, I figured that out a long time ago. Not six months ago.” He was so sick of lying about it, it was time to just come out with it.

“Aww, so, does he know?”

“If he didn’t, he’s going to bloody well know now. Shite.” Sirius shook his head.

“Why are you afraid to tell him?” Karamo asked, tilting his head to the side.

“I’m not doing this right now?” Sirius covered his eyes and slunk down in his chair. There were about 50 people in the audience watching this happen as well as Facebook’s stream of at least a thousand. It was probably more because of the popularity of the show and the popularity of Sirius himself.

“You know you got to tell him.”

“I don’t need to because everyone is going to know now.” Sirius shook his head.

“Perfect then!” Karamo laughed.

“When you get married, can we come?” Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

Sadly, Sirius wasn’t too sure if Remus was going to even talk to him anymore. He tried to stay positive for the last fifteen minutes of the panel. Most of it surrounded questions to Sirius about Remus. He was so thankful when he was done. The men gave him their best wishes and some peppy words of confidence but Sirius was feeling ill. Why couldn’t he just be normal?

Sirius made his way back to the hotel in silence with Dorcas. He didn’t speak a word to her and shoved his cell phone in her general direction so he didn’t have to talk to anyone for the rest of the day. He was going to hide out in his room and pray no one saw. He didn’t want to talk to Remus because how was this a good way for it all to come out?

But, of course, his plans were ruined for hiding because when he got to the hotel suite, everyone was there. Except for Remus. Ellen, Hope, Lyall, Stanley, Effie, Monty, Regulus, Mary, Bill, Marlene, Ted, Andi, Fleur, and Nym were all sitting or around the large common area of the suite looking at him with smiles and ‘we knew all along’ looks. This was probably his worst nightmare outside of falling off the stage during a show. He knew they were all getting together for lunch but he didn’t realize it’d be there. Or they would be watching! “Fucking hell. You all saw, didn’t you?”

“Oh yeah.” James beamed.

“Right, fine. You all win because most of you have insinuated that Remus and I were together. But we weren’t together. I wish we were! I love Remus. I’ve loved Remus since we were like thirteen but I’ve never had the bollocks to say anything because I’m bloody afraid to fuck everything up. But now we all know for sure because Dorcas probably told the guys that I love Remus to bait me. Now it’s out there and I look like a moron who’s creepily had a crush on his best mate for years. So he’s going to hate me and never want to talk to me again.”

No one said anything for a moment then there was a laugh behind him. Sirius knew the laugh well. He felt like he was going to pass out for a moment. “It’s so nice that you’re so pretty. Guess god can’t give out beauty and brains.”

“Are you really giving me sarcasm right now?” Sirius spun around and looked at Remus who was blushing.

“You’re really that oblivious, Sirius? Dinner?”

“What?”

“Dinner, would you like to get dinner? Sushi, you were craving it yesterday.”

“What?”

“Dear god, Sirius, will you go on a bloody date with me?”

“I… yes…”

“Excellent. Seven good? We’ll meet after your photo shoot.”

“Ah, ah huh.”

“Good. See you then.” He kissed Sirius on the cheek then left the suite again.

Everyone screamed as if he had just won a Grammy. They then proceeded to ask him a million questions about how long he fancied Remus (how long have you loved him, are you going to get married, who will be your best man (James, of course), do you want a couple nickname, how did you not know he loved you back, you kissed him didn’t you, oh my god have you had sex with him, you’re so daft). He was sure that some of them had a bet going because James and Peter wanted specific dates of when they first kissed. Regulus mostly just glared at him and said nothing because he was right and wanted Sirius to stew in that. Mary was looking very satisfied with the whole thing.

Sirius had a photo shoot to be at after lunch so he was only tortured with questions and I Told You So’s for just an hour before Dorcas carted him off. He could barely focus the entire shoot because he just wanted to get his apparent date over with. What if Remus was being sweet and didn’t want to hurt his feelings? Remus wasn’t that kind, was he? Remus would have told him no if he wasn’t interested in dating him. This date was for real and he was finally getting what he wanted after years of pushing his feelings deep down and away.

He felt like he was going to puke by the time his driver dropped him off at the restaurant Remus suggested they meet at. Sirius wasn’t even over exaggerating that feeling because he thought about ducking into the restroom as they passed it. The hostess lead him to a private room where Remus was sitting on the floor without his shoes, staring at a menu. He looked how he always looked, relaxed and laid back. Sirius hated him just a tiny little bit. “Oh good, you didn’t bugger off.”

“Is this really a date?” He sat down next to Remus.

“Sirius, have you not seen how much I love you in the past? I thought I was so obvious.” Remus put the menu down. “I was always touching you, probably a bit inappropriately but you never said stop and you always touched me back. I — I was so hurt when you left because I thought you’d go off and find some girl you’d fall for.”

“Never.”

“I know that now.” Remus scoffed, taking Sirius hand. “I wanted you to be the one who told me you loved me because of all you had gone through with your parents. It was stupid.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m the stupid one.”

“You’re not stupid. When you told me you were finally in therapy and you were telling me all these things that happened in your past I thought that you would realize that you were in love with me.”

“I always knew. I was just scared.”

“I’m terrified.”

“You’re never scared.” Sirius shook his head. “If you’re scared then how are we going to do this?”

“It’s normal to be scared. Especially when you’re risking a wonderful friendship. But Sirius, we’ve basically been dating for a long time now if you think about it. We weren’t snogging or having sex. Well, we did both those things but only a couple of times.”

“Yeah, no, not often enough. You’re telling me I could have been kissing you and having mind-blowing sex for years now?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Fuck,” Sirius put a hand on his forehead as the server came in.

Remus ordered sake and water after asking for about five more minutes before they ordered food. “Everyone knew, you know? My parents were positive that we were together and asked me so often that it drove me mad. James and Peter thought I was lying when I’d deny it. Mary told me after we hooked up in St. Marie that I did the right thing then after we shagged in Tokyo, she said told me that it’d happen soon. I didn’t even tell her what we did.”

“Witch.”

“Right?” Remus laughed, moving his hand to Sirius’ cheek. “So, is it happening now?”

“I want to be your boyfriend, so bad. I have for ages. So, of course, it’s happening.”

“Great.” Remus leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sirius’. “You know, all those songs are about you, right? Well, the parts I wrote are.”

“So, I’m singing about myself. Great.” Sirius laughed. “Medicine?”

“Yeah, about the time you kissed me at first then it was about the blowjob. I thought I wrote that so quickly after you’d catch on.”

“I guess I didn’t want to.”

“I mean, Star Shine… I legitimately called you my the star that guides me.”

Sirius blushed, “I’m sorry I’m an idiot. I’m sorry it took me ages to work this all out correctly.”

“Don’t worry, Sirius. What matters is that we’re getting it together now, right?”

“Right. It’s just the wasted years—”

“Maybe we weren’t ready.” Remus shook his head. “Maybe we needed that time.”

“You sound too wise. It’s strange.” Sirius laughed, resting his hands on Remus’ forearms. “Thank you for waiting.”

“Thank you for finally breaking, I guess. I’m sorry that’s how it all came out.”

Sirius nodded, “I think Dorcas paid them off to get me to talk about it. I mentioned to her the other month how Antoni loved his best mate.”

“Oh, she totally did. She’s the best manager ever. Never get rid of her.”

“I don’t plan on it.” Sirius shook his head. “Not to get ahead but Lily asked me who I would pick as a best man—”

“It’d be Dorcas, right?”

“If it happened right now, yep. Even though I wanted to kill her there for a bit. It would also make James so angry.”

Remus smiled as the waiter came back in with their drinks. “You know what you want?”

“I haven’t looked at the menu but I know what I’m craving,” Sirius said, taking the menu. Remus ordered as he looked over the lists of sushi. Sirius didn’t need much time to pick so he was ready as soon as Remus finished.

Once the waiter left Remus was kissing him again. Sirius pulled back for a moment, “Did you pick this place because their rooms are private?”

“Yes, but not only because it’s weird to have that much PDA in public, but you’re an international pop/rock star. I didn’t fancy having paparazzi or people on their phones ruin my first date.”

“Good thinking.” Sirius sighed, he couldn’t believe that he finally had what he wanted all along.

Their date was spent chatting about all the times they both almost caved. Sirius told him about all the times he was jealous of Remus. Remus told him about the time he called some bloke Sirius while they were having sex. Things were normal. Nothing seemed different. Well, except they couldn’t stop kissing and their hands had a hard time keeping to themselves. That was different but Sirius knew that it was all came with their new relationship.

As Sirius finished signing his name to pay for dinner Remus asked, “What’s next?”

“Ah, well, we already know each other’s families and friends. So, I’m not sure.”

Remus laughed, “No, I meant for tonight.”

“Oh! I was thinking we go back to your room because I have too many people in my suite.”

“I like that idea. Let’s get ice cream first.”

“You have the worst sweet tooth,” Sirius said, standing up. He pulled Remus up to his feet with him.

“I don’t smoke anymore. I need to have some vice.” Remus laughed as they walked out of the room.

“Well, your kisses probably taste better with ice cream so I can’t complain too much.”

“No, you can’t.” Remus pecked him on the cheek as they walked through the restaurant.

Sirius followed Remus to their waiting car, all the while feeling like he was walking on clouds. It was so ridiculously cliché, but he was just so happy. There were so many times that he dreamt about this happening but nothing could live up to the reality of it. He hoped that he could keep it up and that things would work out. He hoped that he didn’t let all those doubts built up from his childhood ruin everything. Sirius was sure that he would be able to do it though because he loved Remus and the other man cared about him more than anything it seemed.

***

Six months later, Sirius strolled into the Lupin’s bookshop with a smile on his face. “Hello, Paul.”

“Lyall.” Sirius smiled. “John in?”

“Somewhere in the stacks as usual.”

“Brilliant. Marco!”

“Polo, you bastard,” Remus said with a laugh.

Sirius found him sitting in one of the chairs in the corner of the shop with a book on covens in his hand. He suspected that he was talking to Mary about how she started one. Instead of questioning him on that subject, he sat down in his lap and kissed him. “Hello, Padfoot.”

“Moony, did you miss me?”

“You were in London for two days without me.”

“What a travesty. I’m sure you wept each night in your empty bed.” Sirius pressed his lips to Remus’ again. “You ready to write another album?”

Remus raised an eyebrow, “I thought you wanted a break.”

“You know I can’t sit still for too long.” Sirius pressed a few kisses to the other man’s jaw. Their relationship felt so natural that if it wasn’t such a Big Thing because of all the build-up, he was sure most people wouldn’t have even noticed any change “Plus, I had a break.”

His break included spending a month on some Greek island with Remus. They didn’t see much of Greece but that didn’t matter. When they got back from Greece, Sirius tried his hand at acting in some movie about the French Resistance. It wasn’t his favorite thing but it was interesting. He only had a few weeks of downtime. But he was itching to get back in the studio. “Guess where we’re going to record?”

“Where?”

“Abbey Road.”

“Really?” Remus’ eyes went wide.

“Yes, John.”

“Bloody hell, it’s like a dream come true. Dad’ll flip.”

“I know.”

“I think I’ll flip.”

“So, let’s get to writing.”

“I already have a few songs,” Remus said as Sirius stood up. “They’re even more loving than your first album. I disgust myself.”

“It’s not disgusting. It’s sweet,” Sirius said as Remus got out of the chair. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Sirius sighed, watching Remus walk into the stacks to put the book away. He took a deep breath in and smiled.


End file.
